"Peace God," writes St. Lunatic Murphy Lee on the liner notes of his smash solo rap debut, Murphy's Law. "None of this shit would be happening without you, Pimp."
There you have it: God's a pimp. So it follows, given that we're supposedly created in His image, that we are too. Taken a step further, all of life's accoutrements are flat-out pimpin', too -- especially long, smooth rides like Chevy Impalas, Lincoln Continentals, Chevy Malibus, Mercury Monarchs, Cadillac Snoop de Villes and, of course, steel-gray 1987 Buick Electra T-Types with expired Washington license tabs.
As if these rigs don't pimp hard enough on their own, the truly industrious pimp attempts to pimp out his pimp ride to the max, yo. And what could be more pimpin' than wrapping a classic luxury car in Pimp Juice ad wrap -- a.k.a. "Pimpwrap"?
Nothing could be more pimpin' than that. Just look at these photos of the Electra. In the first photo, the unadorned car looks plenty pimp, but it's not realizing its full pimptential. But in the second photo -- sweet Lord! So dapper does the Pimplectra look in its promotional robe of Pimpwrap that it has compelled -- no, commanded -- tangy Real World: Chicago star Cara Kahn to crawl onto its hood in a slinky cocktail dress and chug Nelly's apple-flavored energy drink until her petite bladder is filled to the gills.
You like-a the Pimplectra? Well then, has Unreal got a proposition for you: the first annual Unreal Pimpala Contest. Simply send a photo of your car via snail mail (Pimpala Contest, 6358 Delmar, #200, St. Louis, MO 63130) or e-mail (jpegs to email@example.com; subject line "Pimpala"). The owner of the most Pimpworthy ride will be rewarded with a case of Pimp Juice procured from Patrick's Dogtown Liquors, and the winning photo will be forwarded to Pimp Juice CEO Demetrius Denham for Pimpwrapping consideration. If Denham is impressed with your ride, it may well become the official Pimpmobile!
Disclaimer: In pimp, as in life, there are no guarantees. All photos become the property of Unreal. And we have no idea whether Demetrius Denham will want to have anything to do with Pimpwrapping your ride. But even if you don't win, remember Murphy's Law: All pimps go to Heaven. Not a bad consolation prize.
Cubbing Out of the Closet
Sport a Chicago Cubs hat during the regular season in St. Louis and you're basically asking to get your butt kicked -- or, at minimum, be assailed with some variation on the "Cubs suck" theme. Those who maintain that the Cubs-Cards rivalry is a friendly one obviously have never attempted this particular headwear experiment.
But while most Cardinals fans loathe all things Cub, a springtime visit by Unreal to the Friendly Confines made it clear that the bleacher creatures at Wrigley don't pay the Cardinals all that much mind unless Albert Pujols is actually present and jacking bombs onto Waveland Avenue. So chalk up the disparity to envy: St. Louisans don't hate the Cubs so much as we're jealous of the Windy City, which lapped its Show-Me stepbrother en route to the forefront of the world's stage about half a century ago.
But once the regular season's over, all this is generally a non-factor. One team generally makes the playoffs and the other is all but forgotten. But this year poses a peculiar wrinkle: It's the Cubs, not the Cards, vying for the gold. And with the Cubs winning their first playoff series in 95 years, a strange strain of homo sapiens has emerged on River City sidewalks: the closet Cub fan, in full red, white and blue regalia.
Especially prevalent at Tom's on Euclid and similar cosmopolitan haunts, members of this species likely aren't bandwagon-hopping poseurs -- it's tough to find Cub gear at St. Louis retail outlets. Who knows, with the current dreadful state of the Cardinal farm system and the big league team's geezerly roster, the twenty-first century might see a role reversal in the I-55 rivalry, further burying us in our slough of civic inferiority. At any rate, it might behoove Cards fans to stay humble during these autumn days of Cub glory. Who knows -- someday it might be you over there dressed in blue, hoisting a playoff brew.
Last week the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, armed with CNN has-been Frank Sesno and a box of vintage keypads on loan from Chuck Woolery, debuted its interactive Duck and Cover remake at St. Louis University. One of the many mistakes the producers made was inviting Unreal to the premiere.
On a scale of Improvised Explosive Device (IED) to Intercontinental Ballistic Missile (ICBM), we gave it "A Dud."
The first blunder? Choosing St. Louis University as the host. Don't they have enough on their hands with the Medicare fraud scandal and all? St. Louis Board of Elections and Metropolitan Sewer District venues must have been booked.
The second faux pas was billing the event as a Town Hall Meeting. The audience was made up of carefully selected skeptics and the questions were screened by the vice president of the Council on Excellence in Government before being fed through the earpiece of moderator Sesno. It was a slick presentation, but a town hall meeting isn't a town hall meeting unless at least one gadfly with hair growing out of his ears takes the stage and drones on about irrelevant topics like potholes, government corruption and UFO sightings.
Instead, handlers chose to keep the audience entertained with interactive brain teasers they could weigh in on with their keypads. To wit:
In the event of a nuclear holocaust, do you prefer to be warned via:
D) None of the above
The forum, which should have been titled "Homeland Security: What Do You Think We Oughta Do?" only got interesting when Sesno somehow got misdirected to a real person with a real question. Naturally Unreal caught up with the guy, a SLU student who's studying secondary education and specializing in social studies, after the show.
Unreal: Were you satisfied with Secretary Ridge's response to your comment that the DHS is simply in the business of creating fear?
Daniel Szyman: He's a politician and he's gotta please a lot of people. He skipped around it just like he did every issue -- it's just what politicians do. I think the more barricades we put up -- like the ones around this building right now -- the more it keeps us reined in. Tonight the psychology department is putting on a lecture about how the government uses fear and how we react to it. And they're not gonna have the barricades up for that.
How did you get in here?
I had to take it upon myself to find people at the university who could get me on the list.
Aha! So there was a list? Thought so!
Yeah. I sent five or six e-mails and finally walked into the office of the Cross-Cultural Advisor for the school, and he got me on the list. And then when I got here, I wasn't on the list, so I had to find someone from Excellence in Government, who walked me in. It's all about having connections.
Speaking of connections, all this talk about impending disaster has made me a little hungry. What do you know about the post-event roundtable luncheon?
Can't help ya.
Goodman for Governor
Native son John Goodman's movie career has hit some bumps recently, with jugfest Coyote Ugly filling up bargain bins and the critically panned Masked and Anonymous headed in the same direction. And get a load of those smarmy new TV ads promoting Blues broadcasts on KTRS. If life imitated art, Dan Connor and Walter Sobchak would be tag-teaming Goodman's ass right about now.
But the St. Louis-born actor's career trajectory is a cannon in comparison to that of politically impotent Missouri governor Bob Holden, who appears to be less re-electable right now than Gray Davis. With next year's election just around the corner, this leads Unreal to an obvious conclusion:
Goodman for Governor!
We're not up-to-date on his politics, but if Goodman's movie roles are any indication, Unreal will vouch for the guy's populist stands on the issues of alcohol, tobacco and firearms. And really nothing says "man of the overweight masses" like Goodman's lovable girth.
Moreover, unlike know-it-all actors turned governors like Ronald Reagan, Jesse Ventura and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Goodman has extensive experience playing chief executives. He played the acting president on The West Wing, after all, and who could forget his role as the most powerful man in all the U.K. in King Ralph?