El Gabacho Guapo
Dear Handsome Gabacho: Let me penetrate the thrust of your friend's argument by referring her to the seminal The International Encyclopedia of Sexuality, a set of studies on the world's sex habits gathered into one grande book. Its Mexico section cites two surveys from the early 1990s that found about 50 percent of men in Mexico City practiced oral sex on women more than twice the amount that your friend laid out. The Mexican hombre taste for cunnilingus grows once they hop over to the United States: a 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics showed that 74 percent of Latino men had performed cunnilingus at one point in their life. But that amount is dwarfed by the 87 percent of gabachos questioned by the NCHS who admitted to doing the deed. The Mexican holds various theories about why his swarthy hermanos aren't as prone to panocha pecking as gabachos traditional Mexican men don't bother with cunnilingus since it doesn't lead to procreation, Mexican women are too ashamed of their bodies to allow a male tongue to lick their hoo-haa, Mexico's endemic machismo produces a culture where vagina dentata is as feared as la migra. But forget explanations: The paucity of Mexican men who munch muff is an urgent social ill, and I urge all mujeres to remedy the problem by nabbing a Mexican and faking an orgasm in the name of la raza.
Dear Mexican: What do you think will happen to the gringos if Mexicans become the biggest raza in America, like a lot of people predict?
El Mex de Durango
Dear Wab: That's the 64,000-peso question. Demographics show that Mexican birth rates grow even as those of gabachos fall. The Jim Gilchrists of this country predict chaos and a goat in every backyard once there are more Mexicans than gabachos; pro-amnesty activists claim Mexicans will assimilate into this country's fabric just as previous immigrant groups did. I'm among the latter, and propose we'll be the most American ethnic group yet. Taking historical cues from our gabacho forefathers, Mexicans will ridicule English speakers and dismiss them as lazy minorities with funny-sounding surnames and traditions. We'll do what gabachos were always too pussy to try take over Mexico and create a true NAFTA, bringing further riches to the United States and ending the illegal immigration problem for good. Then we'll become too complacent and fat, and gabachos will plot the takeover of their ancestral lands by having more babies and agitating for affirmative action and Gabacha/o Studies programs. Moral of the story? Protect your children's future, gabachos treat Mexicans well and encourage their simpático ways. Otherwise, they might just become Americans.
Dear Mexican: President George W. Bush wants Guatemala to have the next two-year term on the U.N. Security Council. Your thoughts on this nomination and what the world can expect should it happen would be appreciated.
Gabacho in Pittsburgh, PA
Dear Gabacho: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dear Readers: In my October 12 column, I wrote that the United States "never had the decency to invade Mexico." Of course, the U.S. has invaded Mexico during the Mexican-American War and when General John Pershing unsuccessfully pursued Pancho Villa in 1915. What I meant to say was that the United States "never had the decency to occupy Mexico, install a puppet regime, then sit back as the natives slaughtered our boys and each other, while our true enemies bide their time somewhere in the tribal lands of Afghanistan and Pakistan." My apologies.
Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at firstname.lastname@example.org. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!