Customer Service, Sutton Laundromat
"I don't remember what all we drank, but my grandfather always said, "After every drink get up and go to the john whether you have to or not." But to get to this bathroom you had to make this huge U-turn. I kept on trying and trying, and the only way I could turn the corner was to get on the floor and crawl. That was the very first time I got drunk."
"Last summer at my buddy's wedding. We all had rooms at a hotel at Westport Plaza. It was late and, feeling pretty good, I decided to take chairs from the lobby and put them in the elevator. I had my chair in front of the buttons, 'cause I was the conductor, and I'm sitting there with my cooler, giving people rides and making them sit on those chairs."
Crossword Puzzle Aficionado
"My friend and I had been to a bar in the Loop, and later we were walking around and we just thought all the cops would automatically know we were drunk and, for some reason, arrest us. Every time a cop car drove by we'd hide behind the nearest car and stay there until we thought the coast was clear. We were scared! We didn't want to get put in jail, and then we went to crash a party after that."
Former Pugilist/Current Roustabout
"Me and two buddies got drunk at a barbecue, [and we decided] to go bar-hopping in our underwear. Not boxers, briefs. We were too drunk to drive so we borrowed bikes from some kids and we pedaled around Maplewood. We pulled up to the Maple Leaf; there were these Harleys out front. We parked next to them, walked in, sat at the bar. Everyone's lookin' at us, girls giggling, the guys not knowing whether to fight us or laugh at us."
"Well I partied the whole week, just hitting the clubs, and one night ended up having sex under the Arch. And it was fun, having the Arch right over your head while you're doing it, people walking past. Oh well, ain't like they never seen no booty before."
Server, Schlafly Bottleworks
"I was being Santa Claus in the Blueberry Hill window, along with Mrs. Claus and all the elves. We had an open bar tab and, after doing shots all night, the performance was ridiculous and kids were going, 'Hey, Santa and his elves are drunk!' Then I stumbled into the bathroom and puked all over the costume, and they had to retire it after that."