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Unreal scopes out MMs, hangs with a Broad and takes a bite out of nature's Viagra

Unreal's grandmother claims the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and whenever we mention a man in conversation (even our grad-school thesis advisor), she advises us to bake him a cheesecake. She never actually tried this approach on our grandfather because everything she made tasted like wax, but she still swears it works. Nonetheless, when we got a press release announcing that Jacqui Malouf, author of Booty Food, had joined forces with Little Penguin wines' Mate in 2008 campaign, we decided Malouf was a more reliable person to ask about the mystical connection between the stomach and the heart, or hormones, or whatever.

Unreal: What food and wine pairings do your recommend?

Jacqui Malouf: Stay in for the evening with Spanish tapas. It's super, super easy. You open up a jar of imported Spanish olives and get some Spanish cheese, like manchego or Cabrales blue, and you pair it with a shiraz. It costs next to no money, and the big, bold flavors elevate the dating experience because it gives you something to talk about. You also save time in the kitchen, which leaves more time for the bedroom.

And this is a real aphrodisiac?

Cheese is nature's Viagra. It's full of protein, and the protein gives you stamina. There's nothing sexier than wine and cheese.

Even Provel?

What's that?

It's this cheese we have here in St. Louis. People either really love it or really hate it.

If someone loves it, it's sexy. If I can see that Bob in St. Louis loves his cheese, and that it makes him more lit up, he'll be more lit up for love. Go St. Louis cheese!

What about toasted ravioli?

It's fantastic with Little Penguin merlot. Pair what you like. I'm a big fan of a Big Mac and chardonnay.

We understand that you're judging a pick-up line contest on the Little Penguin's Web site. Have you heard any good ones?

"Are you the cause of global warming? Because you melted my heart."

Ugh!

Actually, pick-up lines are making a comeback. We took a poll and 50 percent of women say they respond to pick-up lines and 23 percent have started to use them. It's someone trying to get attention with a bit of humor and start up a conversation. It makes the smarmy sexy. My husband, on our first date, told me, "I've got to make you dinner because you're really cooking." We ended up having Champagne and oysters. 

Wed Dream
News flash! A gaggle of married St. Louis gal pals has informed Unreal that they will be fete-ing this year's V-Day with a "BB&B Wedding Dress Bacchanal." Maryland Heights' own Heather Broad, the organizer, says BB&B stands for Boobs, Booze and Bullshit (not to be confused with BBWs, or Big, Beautiful Women, another friend of Unreal). But owing to our allergy to all things taffeta and lace, we couldn't actually attend the February 16 extravaganza. Instead we bring you an exclusive interview with the Broad herself:

Unreal: So. Nine women who call themselves Boobs, Booze and Bullshit. Explain the origins of this little club.

Heather Broad: Most of us our husbands have known each other for years, and they all get together once a year for a camping trip, which was fine by me, but someone was complaining that the girls never do anything. So I said, "Let's get a limo and get drunk while they're gone." It was supposed to be a one-time thing, but then it became twice annually, and now it's dinner once a month and weekend trips.

Sounds like it's become rather intimate.

It really has.

And do you come from a long line of Broads known for this kind of thing?

I kinda do! Yeah! My husband's grandmother said, "Now, you might want to think about changing your name, because you have no idea what it's like to go through life with Broad as your last name." I said, "Phyllis, I've been a broad my entire life! Now it'll be official!"

And what about the origins of your Bacchanal — the limo, the photographer, the route from martini bar to chocolate bar to cupcake bar to bowling alley, in your wedding dresses on a Saturday night?

The last of us got married last fall, and she was trying to decide what she'd do with her wedding dress. A lot of the girls had had them preserved, and some of them were wadded up in laundry baskets in the basement. I thought it was such a shame to spend so much money on the dress that you love so much and will never wear again. So we thought we should all go out and wear them, since it's what you feel the prettiest in.

And does the evening end in a hot tub with the hubbies, or are you ladies going to start a new wedding-night tradition?

[Laughs, laughs, laughs] No boys allowed! Unless they want to buy a wedding dress and get a boob job. 

Adultery for Dummies
Ever since Unreal received a press release back in December touting the new book Having An Affair?: A Handbook for the Other Woman by Sarah Symonds, we have been wild to get our paws on it. Not because we're having an affair or want to be an other woman ourselves, but the idea that there are guidelines for this sort of thing? Besides not getting caught? Kinda captured our imagination. As did the fact that Symonds runs something called "Mistresses Anonymous." Today, just in time for Valentine's Day, we finally got our wish.

Sadly, according to Symonds, other womanhood is just as depressing as ordinary singlehood, except that sometimes you get to have sex and sometimes your married man (MM in Symonds' lexicon) will buy you nice presents. Herewith some of our favorite pearls of wisdom:

"The world is full of married men. Many of them are unhappily married, or at least on the lookout for a willing female distraction as often as they can get away with it."

"Possibly the worst reason for a wife to stay with a known adulterer is because she is stupid and doesn't know any better, which in truth means she is more to be pitied than blamed and will be a victim all her life."

"The question all mistresses ask: 'Why won't he leave her for me?' The answer is simple. It is because he loves her more than you. If it were anything other than that, he would change his situation in order to be with you."

"Remember that his wife usually does understand him. He just says she doesn't to make you feel sorry for him and get you into bed. Don't believe a word your MM says in general."

"A single, available man with good prospects won't usually take on a desperate, complex woman (unless he's really ugly or broke and who needs that), whereas the MMs will always take anything they can get (and they know the crazy chicks will be great at sex)."

Damn. All we wanted were a few helpful do's and don'ts. Symonds does — grudgingly — supply a few:

A mistress should not perform any domestic chores, wear heavy perfume (unless she wants to be obvious, then by all means, but don't forget the lipstick on the collar) or go after a poor MM. She should make sure her MM foots all the phone and hotel bills (and they should be nice hotels: "Holiday Inns are for wives"). To test her MM's loyalty, she should, early on, pretend to be in dire financial straits, just to see how much he'll pony up. "Pretending to be a little jealous about him sleeping with his wife could actually do him some good in the long run and stand you in prime stead for some extra 'guilt gifts' and 'making up trophies' that all good mistresses know and love (and quite rightly come to expect)."

Most important: "Don't do something pathetic, like falling in love with him and then losing the plot on all this."

Unreal considers ourself warned. 

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