Hold on to your belt buckles, boys. Downtown's hottest not-so-new-anymore casino is set to release its "Ladies of Lumière" 2009 calendar!
Unreal can hardly wait.
Undoubtedly the selection process was even more rigorous than it was back in '07 when the casino was staffing up. (Height-weight ratio and all that.)
We're thinking that while it's at it, Lumière oughta publish a version of the calendar that features the folks on our side of the gaming tables: the regulars.
Nobody putting in fewer than 30 hours a week would be considered. Body mass index (BMI) of at least 25, minimum of one serious respiratory condition. Eligibility for senior discount a plus.
We can almost see it now...
Miss January: Mabel Smith ("My boobs sag below the table!" )
Miss February: Dot Hardy ("They don't make slots like they used to")
Miss March: Erma Jones ("Bet you've never done it with a runner-up for Miss Missouri Nursing Home")
Miss April: Francine "Full House" Williams
Miss May: Joan O'Connell ("Come on, baby, let's find the nearest Payday Loan")
Miss June: Ruby Wilson ("You won't ever get a red card from this 'gem'")
Miss July: Dorothy Johnson ("Let's take a 'ride' in my wheelchair!")
Miss August: Genevieve "Beav" O'Connor
Miss September: Betty Button ("Is that a banana in your Depends, or are you just happy to see me?")
Miss October: Sally "Rode Hard & Put Away Wet" Mustang
Miss November: Louis(e) Simpson, Casino "Queen"
Miss December: The Year in Review: A Ladies of Lumière 2009 retrospective with special guest Joe "Repo Man" McNulty
Unreal Seeks Money Clip
Not too long ago, we received a press release from Bob Lott, a Palm Beach-based author whose book, Don't Be Afraid to Ask: How to Date a Beautiful Woman, promises to teach "[t]he skills you need to capture the heart of a beautiful woman." How could Unreal resist?
The skills, it turns out, include carrying a money clip ("It shows you're financially secure enough to throw money around"), pretending you're good at science ("Women are least confident at math and science"), and dropping a few hundred bucks on expensive shoes ("Women gauge other women's fiscal health by looking at their shoes. They'll judge you the same way.").
Our pump thus primed, Unreal phoned Lott for a few more tricks of his trade.
Unreal: Would bringing a copy of this book with you to the bar be a no-no?
Bob Lott: Yeah, it would be. We say you meet quality women everywhere except bars, taverns and nightclubs. It is a pocket-size book, though.
The book promises to "help you meet, date, marry and raise a family with a beautiful woman in a normal, healthy, and functional manner." That's all well and good, but what if you just want to get 'em into the sack?
Let's put it this way: The initial-meeting aspect of it is very similar. My uncle had a seduction book along the same lines of what I was writing. This is different: You're going out there, you're interested in a serious relationship and a commitment.
Where's the fun in that?
It all depends on your priorities. There are two types of ways to live: either a faithful lifestyle or fun. With the first one, you're not just out for a good time. The not-serious kind — that gets more expensive in the long run.
OK, but you say, "Power, money, fame and looks aren't the attributes wanted by most women in the world." You're kidding, right? Or do they want George Costanza?
Even though you have power, money and fame, if you don't have the right personality, don't have the right temperament, they don't care how much money you have. Most women won't be interested. But those other things, they don't hurt. We don't condemn or refute them.
So this stuff works for ugly people, too?
You don't have to be a Hollywood star to be considered beautiful. It's beauty, brains and personality to go with it. We're dealing with a lot of inner beauty, not just physical appearance.
Fear is a big part of the book. "To overcome fear, you must understand fear." Is this Yoda's guide to dating or what?
Fear means false evidence appearing to be real. It's like a mirage: You think it's real, but it isn't.
Uh, right...So, how many times have you been married to a beautiful woman?
None. But I know how to not be afraid how to date them. I've done research with a lot of people who've had successful relationships.