Your (Not Our) French Heritage
The story of St. Louis' founding is primarily a French one, with a bit of hand-holding from the Spaniards and a spot of bother from the English. The short version is this: The French were here, the English approached, the French — quelle shock! — surrendered, and St. Louisans began speaking a debased form of English (i.e. "warsh" and "farty") instead of the debased form of French they were speaking (interesting aside: your native St. Louisan will even to this day revert to the old corrupt French when giving directions, i.e. "Show-toe" and "Grav-oy"). St. Louisans also started playing baseball instead of thumbsucking, eating red sauce-heavy Italian food instead of cream sauce-heavy French food and drinking light beer instead of wine. And yet two weekends a year they pretend like they're French again at what they claim is the "Second Largest Mardi Gras Celebration in the World" — go figure.
Why do St. Louisans cling to this vestigial shred of French-ness? Pride? No, we have that World Series trophy for that. A sense of historical drama? No, we have the St. Louis Board of Education for that. Is it the exposed titties? Ah, mais oui. But to really enjoy those breasticles you need the proper context for them. In ignorance, a pair of jugs on display along Geyer is merely flesh whipped red and raw by early February winds, a momentary thrill (?) at best. But with a deeper understanding of why that broad has unleashed her tetons in a moment of drunken bonhomie, they become swollen with historical significance, pendulous with symbolism and, um, possessed with areolas of cultural enlightenment. And so, in the interest of fulfilling our public mandate as a source of information (not necessarily accurate, but timely), Unreal offers this Guide to Your (not our) French Heritage!
1718
The French establish New Orleans as part of their Mississippi River-based trading empire, and break it in with a party.
1762
The French realize that they're going to lose the French-Indian War (should've surrendered, huh, Jacques?). In a fit of Gallic pique, they give everything west of the Mississippi to Spain so England can't have it.
1763
Pierre Laclede heard there was good beaver up north (a true Frenchman can always find beaver), so he canoes upriver. He stops at roughly where the Arch is now. Looking south along the river, he notes to his manservant Gilles that "If we had a road right there, we could probably talk some ladies into lining up along it and taking off their blouses." He then does that "huh-huh-HUH!" Maurice Chevalier laugh all Frenchmen do and eats a snail.
1764
August Chouteau, Laclede's stepson, hits town. Well, first he and some African-American workers build a town, name it St. Louis in honor of the King of France, and then he hits town. It's technically a Spanish town, since they built it in Spanish territory, but fuck that shit — they're French, and if you don't like it, they'll surrender.
1779
St. Louis is attacked by a group of Englishmen and Indians from the East Side, who were still pissed at not getting to live on the West Side, where everybody does that cool "w" thing with their hand and rocks the gangsta lean. Somehow, the French citizens fight them off without surrendering. The British go back to the East Side and drown their sorrows in a strip joint, thus taking the bloom off the French rose of victory. The French St. Louisans vow to never make that mistake again — and they consider hitting up the East Side, but only after midnight and only if their wives are out of town.
1803
France sells Louisiana to Americ
A. "Louisiana" in this case means everything west of the Mississippi River. This is essentially why St. Louis claims Mardi Gras as its own right here: The real Mardi Gras is in New Orleans, which is in Louisian
A. This used to be in Louisiana, hence we must be New Orleans also, so we get to have Mardi Gras. It's the sort of behavior anyone with a little brother will recognize right away and call bullshit on, but hey — look at those tits over there!
Where There's Smoke, There's Cayenne
It Helps To Know Something About What You're Stuffing In That Piehole Of Yours
BASICS
Cajun cuisine has its origins with French-speaking, washboard-banging white people who were kicked out of Canada and resettled in the uninhabited swamps of Louisian
A. Not much of a chance of getting kicked out of there, huh? Creole is the cooking of former Caribbean slaves, many from Haiti, who first made New Orleans a "chocolate city," practiced voudou and invented jazz. Generally, if it's Cajun, it's made with a "roux" (pronounced "roux"), which is white flour burnt in some hot grease and therefore is brown in color. If it's Creole, it uses tomato (pronounced "tomahto" [Ed: no, it's pronounced "tomato"]), which makes it red. The main flavoring of each cuisine is cayenne pepper.
Crayfish
Pronounced crawdad. Sure, they live in that drainage ditch down the block. You could go down there and catch some. You'll get wet. And pinched. And you won't catch many, for all your trouble. Fortunately for you, a whole lot more of them live in those Cajun swamps and Cajuns don't mind getting wet or pinched all that much. Some people suck the heads. You can recognize those people by their "I suck heads" T-shirts.
Etoufee
Pronounced etoufée. A creole dish that cleverly masks the flavor of crawdads with butter, tomato and, of course, cayenne pepper.
Tasso
Pronounced tasso. Basically ham. Tastes a little different from the ham you're used to, but you'd never know, because you'll probably only find it in dishes flavored with cayenne pepper.
Gumbo
Pronounced like that big-eared elephant, but with a "G." Made with pretty much whatever's in the garden (okra, bell peppers, onions, crawfish), plus debris from the latest hurricane. A spicy soup (thanks, cayenne pepper!) whose best feature is that it keeps Louisiana residents warm inside their FEMA trailers.
Jambalaya
Pronounced goodbye Joe we gotta go me-oh my-oh. See "gumbo." Add rice. And tomato. And cayenne pepper.
Andouille
Pronounced andouille. A Cajun hot-dog-like thing. Often thrown in gumbo, jambalaya or the dog's dinner bowl. If you're cooking any of these dishes at home, you can pretty much substitute kielbasa with no harm done.
King Cake
Pronounced king cake. The only dessert (except a Minnesota Vikings versus Green Bay Packers sheet cake from Sam's) that's intentionally made with purple, gold and green icing and baked with a small plastic baby inside. Origins say it has something to do with the three wise men visiting the baby Jesus; less popular theories speculate that choking is a surefire way to perk up any party.
Hurricane
Pronounced hurricane. The pinkish-red drink is served in yard glasses that can also be used to simulate sex acts. They were traditionally made with rum, but hurricane connoisseurs now agree that they're best when made with Southern Comfort. Mmmmm, Southern Comfort: the official taste of Soulard Mardi Gras.
Cajun Toasted Ravioli
Pronounced cajun toasted ravioli. Made by enterprising St. Louis line cooks who want to try something a little more festive this time of year, the usual beef-like filling is replaced by leftover crawdad parts. They're then breaded and dusted with McCormick's Cajun Seasoning (and cayenne pepper).
Alligator
Pronounced alligator. The crocodile's less-exotic, less-endangered cousin. They live in zoos or sewers and though they could theoretically rip a person to shreds, they usually just sit there. Only trained zoologists can tell for sure if they're dead or alive. A good sign they're dead is when they take on the forms of purses, belts or alligator bites — the latter an appetizer that tastes like chicken, but in an alligator kind of way.
Catfish
Pronounced catfish. Ugly but popular fish that's harvested out of the Mississippi Delt
A. Here, they're found in the Mississippi River and in lakes statewide, including the Lake of the Ozarks, where they subsist exclusively on a diet of used condoms and beer cans. You're damn right they taste fishy. What kind of a question is that?
Tabasco
Pronounced tabasco. A popular hot sauce generally employed when the chef has exerted too light a touch with the cayenne pepper.
Booze You Can Lose A Binger's Handbook
Anyone who's participated knows that the annual Soulard Pukefest is a drunken free-for-all. Partiers lap up anything in a cup, regardless of its color, consistency or cost. That said, the festival relies on the kindness of sponsors to ensure that the nonprofit Mardi Gras Inc. can pay its bills. So we assigned the chemists at the Unreal Beverage Laboratory to concoct a few recipes using only sponsors' products. Each recipe is augmented by a mini-review from RFT's Drink of the Week scribe Randall Roberts.
Soulard Car Bomb
Fill plastic cup halfway with Michelob Amber Bock. Drop in a shot of Southern Comfort and a shot of Irish-cream-flavored nondairy creamer (help yourself to a pocketful of free containers next to the coffee at QuikTrip, the official convenience store of Mardi Gras Inc.). Garnish with Purina Beggin' Strips dog treat. Slam it before the creamer curdles, then eat the treat. Drink of the Week says: The perfect Mardi Gras breakfast: a hint of coffee with a load of cream. The Beggin' Strip is the perfect garnish, like sausage with an omelet!
The Anheuser-Busch
Combine equal parts Bud Ice, Mich Ultra, Bud Dry, Busch, Michelob Honey Lager, Bud Ice Light, Michelob Golden Draft, Bud Extra, King Cobra and Bare Knuckle Stout. Drink of the Week says: ScrumpAuggieLicious! The workhorse is Bud Ice Light, the A-B family's unsung hero.
Mojicko
Southern Comfort, simple syrup, muddled mint leaves, club sody. Drink of the Week says: Most St. Louisans can't even pronounce Cuba, let alone locate it on a map. A Midwestern treat without the accent!
Hurricane
Combine equal parts Hurricane Malt Liquor (Anheuser-Busch's ghetto-tastic brew), Southern Comfort, Bacardi Silver Strawberry, orange juice (from QuikTrip) and Arctic-brand ice in blender. Drink of the Week says:
Fruity, flavorful, funky.
Designated Driver
Combine one bottle of O'Doul's non-alcoholic brew with five shots of Southern Comfort. Pour over Arctic-brand ice. Stir. Drink of the Week says: Who needs all that alcohol to dizzy your head? The Designated Driver uses A-B's non-alcoholic brew to mix with a touch of Southern Comfort. Drink as many as you like without worrying about a DWI.
Sophisticated Sissy
One bottle of Anheuser World Lager, two ounces Korbel Champagne. Garnish with a Beggin' Strip. Drink of the Week says: A sophisticated alternative to all the bullshit the Affton yahoos are drinking. The Beggin' Strip adds salty brininess, like a martini with two olives.
Hissing Dynamite
One can Hurricane Malt Liquor with a dash of Crystal Cajun Hot Sauce. Drink of the Week says: So simple, so clean. The hot sauce releases the soft essence of the malt liquor.
Yucko Mary
Combine one can of Pepsi, three ounces Fetzer Vineyards' Valley Oaks Pinot Grigio, two pieces dog shit courtesy of Yucko's Poop Scoop'n Service (the official poop-and-scoop service of Soulard Mardi Gras) and Arctic-brand ice. Blend.
Drink of the Week says: Earthy and gamy with a hint of wet cardboard in the bouquet, the deep oakiness of a first-growth Château Lafite as it crosses the palate and a solid, extended finish of German Shepherd turd.
Shake Your Money Maker
Mardi Gras Music: Relax. It's OK To Not Like It. You're Drunk, Dance Anyway.
What's a party without music? When you go to Mardi Gras, there'll be music aplenty. Granted, it won't be the usual indie-IDM-death-metal-prog-house-neo post-punk-crunk-alt-country-Bob Schneider-screamo amalgam that's usually blasting from the Unreal cubicle here at RFT central. No, it will be a strange sound that you may not enjoy all that much. So you're not too frightened by what will be attacking your earholes during your revelry, we've come up with this little primer of what you might encounter.
BLUES
Music that was invented by poor black guys, now being "kept alive" by well-to-do white guys. Started off pretty well — a soul being sold to the devil at the crossroads. Only really five blues songs — variations amount to A) exactly how someone done somebody wrong in the lyrics and B) the different guitar (and harmonica, errrr, make that "harp") solos. Took a turn for the worse when some British rockers got ahold of it in the '60s, extending said solos into wankery. Its practitioners and more avid fans dress as if they were in a certain Belushi-Aykroyd film from whence they "discovered" the blues. Actual blues lyrics: "I'm a man. That's M. A, child. N." Glad you've finally mastered spelling, bluesman. Cute blonde in Ghost World: "Oh if you like authentic blues, you've just gotta see Blueshammer!"
FAMOUS PRACTITIONERS:
Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, Howlin' Wolf, B.B. King.
DANCEABILITY
: Medium, if you're not too Caucasian to follow a 12/8, beat that is.
REDEEMING QUALITIES:
Precursor of rock & roll. Gave its name to our hockey team. Keeps the dorks in the Ray-Bans and fedoras out of the better nightspots.
JAZZ
In the right hands, it can be sublime. Wrong hands: either a godawful racket or just plain boooooring. Art Tatum: "There is no such thing as a wrong note." Note to Art: Yes, there is. A defining quality of jazz is improvisation,
A.k.
A. band members making shit up as they go along. Hey kids, wankery's not just for guitarists any more.
FAMOUS PRACTITIONERS:
The Velvet Fog, Bird, Monk, Dizzy.
DANCEABILITY
: Low. Expect a clusterfuck of polyrhythms that'll have you twitching like Pedro Medina in Old Sparky.
REDEEMING QUALITIES:
Something for horn players to do between ska revivals. Jazz musicians are notorious dope smokers — hang around after the gig and see if you can mooch a toke or two.
ZYDECO
C'mon, it's named after a bean. Sounds like someone yodeling in French while a broken-down old train plows through a herd of cats. The main rhythmic instrument is a piece of laundry equipment from a previous century being scraped and smacked with spoons. The melodies, if you can call them that, come from squeezeboxes (accordions) and fiddles (violins), the screechier the better. We've been told there's a difference between Zydeco and Cajun music, but damned if we can hear what it is.
FAMOUS PRACTITIONERS:
You're kidding, right?
DANCEABILITY
: High. It's mostly in 4/4. You can count to 4, can't you?
REDEEMING QUALITIES:
It's rhythmic. Aykroyd and Belushi never made a Zydeco Brothers film. Only rears its head once a year. Unfortunately, that's this weekend.
It's A Small World After All
Your Handy Little Soulard Mardi Gras Phrase Book
Having the "second biggest" Mardi Gras, we're sure to see an influx of visitors from all over the world. Yep, this little shindig has made St. Louis a wintertime tourism mecc
A. Plus, sizable populations have settled here from abroad. Do your part to make these new friends feel a little more at home in our fair town — converse with them in their own language. Here are some questions you're likely to hear this weekend and the appropriate responses, translated for your convenience.
Q. Where might I find a Port-A-Potty?
GERMAN
Wo kann ich eine Toilete finden?
SPANISH
¿Donde puedo encontrar un baño portátil?
BOSNIAN
Gdje da nadjem mobilni WC?
FRENCH
Où se trouve le Port-A-Potty?
A. I think I saw some near Ninth and Allen.
GERMAN
An ihrer Stelle würde ich lieber an diesen bewusstlosen Säufer pinkeln, der da in der Gosse rumliegt.
SPANISH
¿Cuál vas a hacer: número uno o número dos?
BOSNIAN
Ako ga nadjes, reci mi. Pisa mi se ko trkacem konju.
FRENCH
Laissez les bons temps rouler!
Q. Which way is it to the, how you say, Bud Light Party Tent?
GERMAN
Wo kann ich, wie sagt man, das Bud Light Party Zelt finden?
SPANISH
¿Por dónde se va a, cómo se dice, la carpa de la fiesta de Bud Light?
BOSNIAN
Kako da nadjem put do, kako se ono zove, Bud Light Party satora?
FRENCH
C'est par où le....comment dirai-je...le Bud Light Party Tent?
A. It's at 8th and Lafayette near Soulard Market.
GERMAN
Bud Light! In Deutschland, würde man die Hersteller solcher verwässerten Pisse unverzüglich vor das Erschießungskommando stellen.
SPANISH
Me dejarías que te presentara a mi pequeño amigo, Sánchez el Sucio.
BOSNIAN
Ma sve je to maciji kasalj, tamo iza coska se cuga sljiva a imaju i cevape od Seje. Hajmo tamo dok narodna drm
A.
FRENCH
Laissez les bons temps rouler!
Q. Pardon me, do you know if the parade has come this way yet?
GERMAN
Verzeihen Sie, wissen Sie ob die Parade hier vorbeigekommen ist?
SPANISH
¿Perdone, pero sabe si ya ha pasado el desfile por aquí?
BOSNIAN
Oprostite, da li znate da li je parada prosla ovim putem?
FRENCH
Excusez-moi: Est-ce que le défilé est déjà passé par ici?
A. No, but it should be coming by any minute.
GERMAN
O Gott! Ich kann es ja kaum erwarten endlich mal die beträchtliche Ausstattung dieser Clydesdayles Zuchthengste anzuschhauen.
SPANISH
Esta no es la ruta del desfile. Esta es la cola a los baños portátiles.
BOSNIAN
Parada se zavrsila prije par sati. Da li zelis da mi se pridruzis, idem preko vode da uzivam u prirodnim... pardon, silikonskim ljepotam
A.
FRENCH
Laissez les bons temps rouler!
Q. Where is the closest MetroLink station?
GERMAN
Wo ist die nächste Metro-Haltestelle.
SPANISH
¿Donde está la estación de MetroLink mas cercana?
BOSNIAN
Gdje se nalazi najbliza Metro stranica?
FRENCH
Où est le MetroLink?
A. I think it's up north by the Savvis, sorry, I mean the Scottrade Center. You can catch a shuttle in a few minutes.
GERMAN
Öffentliche Verkehrsmittel? Brauchst du gar nicht. Erlaube mir, und ich werde dir Verkehr zeigen, den du nie vergessen wirdst.
SPANISH
¿De que MetroLink estás hablando? Pensaba que habías venido en el micro bus.
BOSNIAN
Prati samo njemacke turiste do tamo, vec sam im objasnio put.
FRENCH
Laissez les bons temps rouler!
Q. Excuse me, do you have time to take a personality test?
GERMAN
Verzeihen Sie, haben Sie Zeit für ein Persönlichkeitstest?
SPANISH
¿Disculpe, tiene tiempo para hacer un test de personalidad?
BOSNIAN
Oprostite, da li imate vremena za test licnosti?
FRENCH
Excusez-moi de vous déranger, mais auriez-vous deux minutes pour répondre à quelques questions sur votre personnalité?
A. No thanks, I've already got one.
GERMAN
Von mir kriegst du keinen Pfenning. Ich weiß alles über den Scientology Kram.
SPANISH
¿Por quien me toma, por Tom Cruise?
BOSNIAN
Samo ako zauzvrat dobijem nesto uzbudljivo od tebe i tvoje prijateljice.
FRENCH
Laissez les bons temps rouler!
Q. Is etoufee really supposed to taste like this?
GERMAN
Soll etoufee wirklich so schmecken?
SPANISH
¿Realmente, etoufee, ha de saber a ésto?
BOSNIAN
Da li bi etoufee stvarno trebao imati ovakav okus?
FRENCH
Ça c'est ce que vous appelez l'étouffé?!
A. You're lucky, the chef was quite restrained in his use of cayenne pepper today.
GERMAN
Was hast du denn erwartet, dass es wie richtiges Essen schmeckt?
SPANISH
Créeme, sabe mejor que mamársela a un Clydesdale!
BOSNIAN
Ako mislis da je etufee odvratan, cekaj dok probas cajun hot dog. Fuj!
FRENCH
Laissez les bons temps rouler!
Q. What exactly is "Fat Tuesday" anyway?
GERMAN
Wass ist eigentlich Fetter Dienstag "Fat Tuesday"?
SPANISH
¿Que quiere decir exactamente "Fat Tuesday" de todas formas?
BOSNIAN
SSta je taj Mrsni Utorak ili "Fat Tuesday"?
FRENCH
Dîtes-moi encore une fois: le Mardi Gras, c'est quoi exactement?
A. It's the last day you can cut loose before Lent begins.
GERMAN
Ich mag große Ärsche und ich kann es ja nicht leugnen. Also, komm her Schönheit.
SPANISH
Es una fiesta especial para perseguir a todas estas bellas mujeres.
BOSNIAN
To je moja sansa da uslikam tvoje grudi, tako da ih mogu staviti na moju web stranicu kako bi citav svijet uzivao u njim
A. Nasmjesi se.
FRENCH
Ménage à trois?
Is It Nippy Outside?
Here's Some Hints On Prepping the Bosom For Public Display
For many a young woman, Mardi Gras is not just a drunken street bash. It's also the twins' coming-out party. But only a boob would expose herself to strangers on a whim. Successful flashes are thought out and properly prepped. So put on your game faces, gals, and follow these steps that Unreal uses before dropping blou.
Clean, dry & MOISTURIZE
Wash them good. A clean ta-ta is a happy ta-ta. Use a mild body wash, nothing harsh. And smear some creamy goo on them. Yes! Rub it around. That's goooood!
BRAS
No way! You don't wear one at all that day. You'll have elastic marks and you don't want that. When you want to your flash your goods, the last thing you want is to have to work your way around some underwired contraption. Save that Victoria's Secret shit for a date with your sweetie.
MAKEUP
Go easy on that crap! If you got something you wanna touch up, all right then. But you'll be out in the daylight. People'll be able to see if you got a lot of foundation and powder on your fun-bags. That's just tacky. If you have a fair complexion, use a little blush around the nipple. And some tasteful glitter will make your boobies all friendly and sparkly!
Ridin' The Gravy Train
Sponsorship Opportunities: It's The Name Of The Game, Boy.
Second-biggest Mardi Gras, second-biggest Mardi Gras: How many times have you heard it? Have you ever wondered: What with all the bigger and cooler cities in the good ol' US of A, how on earth did St. Louis end up with the second-biggest Mardi Gras? Maybe those cities realize something we don't — Mardi Gras is a uniquely New Orleans-centric experience, and that's where anyone wanting that experience heads during these waning days of winter. But maybe we know something that hasn't yet dawned on those other burgs: That finding a successful fest elsewhere and aping it — no matter how lamely — can pack the streets with patrons and make the cash registers go cha-ching. Yet mysteriously, the calendar remains fairly open. What gives? Here's a whole year's worth of Nth-biggest partays just waiting for a certain neighborhood to take advantage of.
January 20-22
Soulard Festival of the Cod
Originally celebrated in Helsingborg, Sweden, this could be the largest festival of the cod in the Central United States. Duplicating the cod-fishing events that take place in the coastal areas of southern Sweden might be a problem this far from an ocean, but the various Soulard establishments could surely fry up some of this tasty fish. Or nuke some Mrs. Paul's.
February 17
Soulard Tet Nguyen Dan
Show us your Tets! The Vietnamese new year is usually not celebrated in the United States (many find it somewhat offensive). Luckily, it falls on a Saturday during Mardi Gras this year, so with a little imaginative re-branding, Soulard could have the largest Tet celebration in the United States.
March 5
Soulard Casimir Pulaski Day
This Illinois state holiday, honored in songs by Big Black and Sufjan Stevens, is also observed in Wisconsin. There's nothing stopping Soulard from having the biggest Casimir Pulaski bash west of the Mississippi.
March 10
Soulard Tibetan Uprising Day
Take to the streets of Soulard to protest China's invasion and occupation of Tibet, just as the good people of Lhasa did back in 1959. Gather again in a week as an honorary Dalai Lama is forced to flee Soulard.
April 28-29
Soulard Vidalia Onion Festival
Onions, onions, onions. We don't grow 'em in Soulard, but we can celebrate them in a fashion second only to the sweet onion capital of United States — Vidalia, Georgia.
May 27-June 2
Soulard Fleet Week
Hey, sailor! If you're not in New York City this week, be sure to don your sailor garb and barhop during the largest Fleet Week celebration that's 700 miles or more from an ocean with no navy vessels in sight.
June 4
Soulard Inti Rymi
A celebration featuring topless women dancing with snakes at the ruins of the Inca fortress of Saqsayhuaman (pronounced sexy woman) near Cuzco, Peru. Substitute "Soulard Market" for "Inca fortress" and all systems are go. We hope and pray Soulard can find the sponsors to put on the largest Inti Rymi north of the Equator, because this is the sort of throwdown Unreal can really get behind.
June 7-15
Soulard Vestalia, festival of Vesta
Has the potential of being damn near the largest Vestalia celebration since the fall of the Roman empire. It features virgins, for God's sake! (May be a problem following this closely on the heels of Soulard Inti Rymi.)
June 10-11
Soulard Horseradish Festival
Mardi Gras Übermensch Tim Lorson: "We'll start off with the second-largest horseradish festival in the metro are
A. Then, through the might of our powerful sponsors, we'll yank this sumbitch clean away from those rubes in Collinsville."
June 23-24
Soulard Jim Bowie Days
Bowie, Texas, honors its namesake with a this annual shindig. Soulard can surely get behind partying with knives.
July 14
Soulard Bastille Day
Since Soulard is so proud of its French heritage, celebrating the storming of the Bastille Soulard-style with some fake beheadings while buzzed on wine is a no-brainer. (Ed: Ahem, they've already thought of this one on their own. )
July 18-23
Soulard Hemingway Days
The Hemingway family is not sure that the Hemingway Days in Key West, Florida, actually "honor" their Papa Ernie, what with the drunkenness and the look-alike contests. Guess how they'll feel when a bunch of gray-beards crowd Soulard using him as just another excuse to tie one on.
August 17-19
Soulard Dragon Boat Festival
Modeled on an Asian-themed event in Victoria, British Columbia, the lack of a large body of water in which to float dragon boats might be a problem. (Is there a park we can dig up and flood?)
September 8-9
Sheep and Wool Festival
Going head to head with the little town of Essex Junction, Vermont, shouldn't present much of a challenge to the masterminds behind all these other benders. Within a couple of years, we should own this one.
September 22-23
Soulard Pirate Festival
Arrrrrr! Why should they have all the pirate-themed fun in Portland, Oregon, on this weekend? Let's keelhaul the scurvy knaves. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of SoCo.
October 12-13
Soulard Goats, Music and More Festival
If you're not taking your prize mini fainting silky goats to Lewisburg, Tennessee, this weekend, bring 'em to Soulard. (Somebody check and see if Cowboy Mouth is booked yet.)
November 17-18
Soulard Elephant Round-Up
Since 1960, up to 300 elephants have marched through Surin, Thailand, to enjoy a breakfast of various fruits the townsfolk have gathered for them. Once sated, these large yet gentle beasts participate in a variety of elephant games to the delight of young and old alike. Well, 300 elephants is a tall order. Maybe Soulard could borrow Maliha, Ellie and Rani from the zoo for a couple of days of exploitation, making this the biggest annual elephant round-up party in a state between Arkansas and Iow
A.
December 7
Soulard Qusnigim Kevga
(the Reindeer Messenger Festival)
The people of the Cup'ig Eskimo village of Mekoruk, which is on an Alaskan island in the Bering Sea, have such a darn good time during Qusnigim Kevga that, as much as we've tried, we just can't keep ourselves from transforming Russell Boulevard into a replica Cup'ig village. The original may have more actual reindeer messengers in attendance, but ours will have more people crowding the Bud Select Party Igloo ordering a cold frosty one. "Show me whatchoo got, Cup'ig."
December 26
Soulard Boxing Day
Celebrated the day after Christmas throughout the British Empire, Boxing Day is ripe for the Soulard-style Nth-biggest treatment. Americans erroneously believe it has something to do with either returning unwanted gifts or honoring the "Sweet Science." Researching this stuff is a bitch, so we'll go along with that. Get those gifts returned early so you can c'mon down for some Hoosierweight boxing at the South Broadway Athletic Club, a Bahamian-style Junkanoo parade along Broadway ("Who let the dogs out?") and then getting liquored up in participating bars and restaurants till last call.
