Event Description: Like the Pepsi Challenge, except with eight types of Forties, miniature corn dogs and popcorn instead of two kinds of cola and bland soda crackers.
Location: Tin Can Tavern & Grille, St. Louis, Missouri.
Jury: Preferring to remain anonymous, our five tasters were permitted to adopt their own nicknames. Ergo, Milt Thompson, Sweet Baby Swain, C-Dawg, Wetsuit Benji and Blind Phyllis.
The Field: Budweiser, Colt .45, King Cobra, Liquor de Malt, Miller High Life, Milwaukee's Best Ice, Olde English "800," St. Ides.
Results are listed in reverse order (worst to first), with commentary:
8) Colt .45
Milt Thompson: "That's gross. This tastes like Patrick Ewing's jersey after game seven."
Blind Phyllis: "Actually not that bad when combined with copious amounts of popcorn."
C-Dawg: "One of the most confusing moments of my well-heeled adolescence was when I came home to find my dad sitting on the kitchen table with his shirt off, drinking a Forty of Colt .45 on a hot summer day. He was like, 'It was on sale.'"
Sweet Baby Swain: "It's like my grandma's Forty. Big deal."
Blind Phyllis: "Tastes like Wynonna Judd's love handles after the third encore."
6) Miller High Life
Sweet Baby Swain: "If you're middle-aged and mowing the lawn, then yeah, this is OK. There's really no other reason to put it in a Forty."
C-Dawg: "Reminds me of drinking water out of a hose."
Wetsuit Benji: "If it's not malt liquor, it just tastes wrong."
5) King Cobra
C-Dawg: "It tastes sort of like a wet sock."
Sweet Baby Swain: "I see why the brothers like it."
Milt Thompson: "This is what got me through college. We used to get a Cobra, two hot dogs and a cheap pack of cigarettes for $3.50. That's all we did when we were in the dorms. Nobody had any money. Half the time we'd steal the two hot dogs so we could get a better pack of cigs."
4) Milwaukee's Best Ice
Blind Phyllis: "Inoffensive and refreshing."
Sweet Baby Swain: "At first I didn't like it because of the Ice factor. Now I do. The Beast bites you back!"
Milt Thompson: "All three of Tina Turner's backup dancers look like Beyoncé."
3) St. Ides
C-Dawg: "Piquant, smooth and slightly Caucasian."
Milt Thompson: "Makes me want to hump a plastic-covered couch."
Sweet Baby Swain: "It makes me feel like Ice Cube, except I don't put out shitty movies."
2) Olde English "800"
Wetsuit Benji: "This is the beer of my childhood."
Blind Phyllis: "Like air -- so smooth!"
C-Dawg: "This doesn't really taste like much of anything. No stronger than the tap water in Compton."
1) Liquor de Malt
Blind Phyllis: "It tastes like a microbrew! Nut Brown Ale or Sierra Nevada."
Milt Thompson: "Good! Like a Victoria's Secret thong."
C-Dawg: "Like it was poured down Aaron Neville's chest. Like cocoa butter."