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Spring Cleaning

Unreal contemplates a quickie with Mr. Clean, celebrates Poop for Peace Day and meets "The World's Foremost Expert on Nametags." Plus, a local blogger adjusts to the clothes-wearing life.

The last time Unreal consulted orgasm queen Patty Brisben, the CEO of Cincinnati-based Pure Romance sent us a goodie bag. And bless her heart, we made it through winter!

Now that it's spring, Unreal can't help feeling pure bliss just taking a walk down the block, what with the balmy breezes firing up our insides. 'Tis a season pregnant with possibility, like a poke on a putting green or park bench, wethinks. Of course, spring's also a time for cleaning. That, too, Brisben reminds us, turns on the love.

Unreal: Everybody scours their cupboards and closets come spring, but you suggest polishing our relationships. Why's that?

Patty Brisben: In wintertime we hibernate and forget how to reinvent ourselves, so tune-ups are essential. Getting in touch with nature is a lot of fun. Pitch a tent, go camping, take a walk: That boosts your libido. Spring air is a natural aphrodisiac.

What about vibrators and butt plugs -- should we clean those?

You should use a product such as "Come Clean" before and after every use, every season, but especially in the spring, because some toys get overused in the winter months. Even the smoothest of vibrators -- with the exception of silicone ones -- have pores that form bacteria.

Speaking of cleaning solutions, wouldn't it be fun to use Fantastik or Mr. Clean during sex?

I think using Body Butter or Whipped would be a lot better. Whipped makes the body taste awesome, like orange Creamsicle, bananas Foster or strawberry cheese cake.

What do you think about doing it on a just-mopped kitchen floor?

It depends on what you mopped it with. If it's Pine-Sol, don't! There's something nasty about the smell of Pine-Sol. Hot soapy water on the floor? Now we're talking!

What if we used Like a Virgin, the 24-hour vaginal tightener, to clean our kitchen sink?

I think it would probably suck up all the bacteria.

But it wouldn't get us going?

Oh! If you happen to get anything in that area, absolutely. Now -- if I was going to clean my kitchen with anything, I'd clean my kitchen with Ecstasy.

The drug?

No, a product. I'd rub it on my counter and sit on it naked. When the cream secretes into the clitoral area, it'll make the blood rush in there. Basically it's going to make everything he does feel wonderful -- even if he did it wrong.

LOCAL BLOG O' THE WEEK

"Read This, Bitches"

www.readthisbitches.com/blog/index.php

Author: ?

About the blogger: She's a 28-year-old Korean adoptee and former stripper who recently returned to "the working world of the clothed."

Recent Highlight (February 25, 2005): [...] So I was driving home tonight and it dawned on me, I put my boyfriend's kids on the same level as my dog. That is, when it comes to SBD. Turtle likes to sleep with me under the blankets. Normally he's curled up somewhere around my knees with his back against my butt. All night long I just let them go. Ones that smell so bad that waft up through the blankets and swirl around in the open air for a few minutes, and ones that heat up the air so bad underneath the blanket my legs start to sweat. I love my dog, and even though I still think that comedian's full of shit, I'm now trying to prevent weight gain. Tonight I had both kids in the back and I was just letting them fly. If that were my boyfriend or roommate in the car, I would have held them. But since it was just the kids, well let's just say no matches allowed. I love those kids, but...

Know of an Unreal-worthy local blog? Send the URL to unreal@riverfronttimes.com

Hello Our Name is Unreal

When Unreal learned that Scott "The World's Foremost Expert on Nametags" Ginsberg was living in our midst, we had to give the guy a call. Not surprisingly, Ginsberg was more than happy to talk about nametags, networking and his new book, The Power of Approachability.

Unreal: How does one become The World's Foremost Expert on Nametags?

Scott Ginsberg: When the Washington Post tells it to you, you just assume it's correct. The knowledge of nametags is something I've researched and experienced extensively, but it's not so much about nametags as it is about approachability, because that's what nametags are all about: The nametag is a symbol of approachability.

What are the hallmarks of good nametagging?

Number one is the size of the font. I can't tell you how many nametags I've seen where you have to squint up in the person's chest to read it. That's invasive -- and if it's a woman, that's even worse.

You're also an expert on "mobile approachability"?

Most outgoing voicemails are terrible. One of the ways you can be more inviting is to have a more fun and creative voicemail. For example, every month I have a different question on my voicemail. People will leave an answer to the question because it's fun and you get to share and learn about each other.

Your book lists the "Seven Habits of Highly Horrible Networkers." What's the worst networking strategy?

About a year ago, this woman I'd met at a chamber meeting wanted to get together and talk about business and brainstorm. So she sits me down at Bread Company and right away tries to sell me Amway. Oh! That bitch! It really threw me off. That's an example of highly horrible networking.

Turd Terrorism

Dave Praeger, a 27-year-old ad man from Brooklyn, New York, has declared April 15 international Poop for Peace Day. Praeger, who operates a Web site called The Poop Report (www.poopreport.com), says about 1,500 people worldwide have pledged to participate in the observance, setting aside political differences and reflecting on the shared human experience of dropping a deuce in the porcelain pool.

Unreal: Should constipated world citizens who want to Poop for Peace snort cocaine that morning to loosen their stingy stools -- a.k.a. the "bump and dump"?

Dave Praeger: I suggest that they try Metamucil first. I don't know if it'll work better, but it'll help.

Is diarrhea an inferior form of discharge to a long, curly turd, peacewise?

Yeah. There's nothing like the feeling of accomplishment that you get when you look in the toilet and see that turd. You feel better about yourself when you see a turd than when you see diarrhea.

After eating peanuts, do you inspect your bowel movement to see if the nuts retain their solid form, embedded in the turd like a marshmallow in rocky road ice cream?

I inspect it anyway. I don't think I'm alone. I think most people do -- some out of pride, some out of horror.

Who would be more likely to shit themselves and why: Kim Jong Il, George W. Bush or Queen Elizabeth?

I guess it'd be Queen Elizabeth, because she's getting up there in age, and that's kind of what happens when you get older. I think both Kim Jong Il and George W. Bush are anal retentive and like to keep their grasp on things, power included.

Let's say you've just picked up your morning coffee on your walk to the commuter train. You let loose what you think is going to be a fart, only it turns out to be a shart. Do you: a) Head back home to shower and change, meaning you'll have to drive instead of saving the environment via public transportation? b) Find the nearest alley Dumpster, strip off your pants, throw away your boxers and go commando the rest of the day? c) Perform the strip-and-ditch in the privacy of a handicap stall at the shopping mall near your stop? Or do you d) tough it out?

I think I'd go home. But if I'm in a rush, I'd head to the stall at the mall. I've heard a lot of stories where people leave their boxer shorts on the stall floor. I consider that a form of turd terrorism.

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