It's the best press release we've received in a long, long time: Hostess Sno Balls, America's most famous pink snack cakes, are celebrating 60 years as one of America's favorite treats.
We don't like our boys and men wearing pink, but we sure as hell let 'em eat pink cake.
SIXTY YEARS, PEOPLE!!!
OK, now that that's out of the way, please sit down and prepare to digest the real reason Unreal finds this worthy of our time and ink: It has also been revealed to us that St. Louisans EAT MORE SNO BALLS PER CAPITA than the schlubs of ANY OTHER CITY!
"More Sno Balls per capita"...
Man is it nice to kick the ol' crapola out of Louisville, Grand Rapids and Roanoke at something!
The news prompted us to put down our Twinkie and give a jingle to Hostess flack Kristen Scalia for the backstory. "Gotta love 'em," she says when we announce the reason for our call. "You guys obviously eat the most Sno Balls per capita of anyone."
Unreal: Obviously?! How do you know?
Kristen Scalia: Our special sweet treats polltaker! No, just kidding.
Well, just how many do we eat per year?
I can find that out. There are 25 million sold total each year.
And how do you know Sno Balls are the most famous pink snack cake?
I can find that out for you, too. I'm not sure how we got that.
Because, you know, Zingers are pretty popular, too.
[Laughs] Which is funny.
Your release also said that after World War II, Sno Balls were popular because of sugar rationing.
Yes. They became a treat because Americans were looking for sweets.
We read somewhere else that they became the "Marilyn Monroe of the snack rack."
[Laughs] I've heard that, too.
Do you get tired of the comparison to breasts?
Oh, no! [Laughs]
Guess that's a selling point.
Are no two Sno Balls the same?
I will find out for you.
God Help the Rams
Midway through the 2007 season and with just one win under their belts, the Rams are out of contention for everything but moral victories. In fact, they're almost better off tanking and increasing their probability of landing top talent in the 2008 draft. But given monumental mistakes like Lawrence Phillips and Eric Crouch behind them, the Rams have proved that draft-day success is hardly a sure thing.
With that in mind, Unreal dons a shiny toupee, channels Mel Kiper Jr. and breaks down the top four prospects with the potential to resurrect the Greatest Show on Turf.
David Eckstein: Though Eck has no discernible skill as a football player (OK, he has never even played the sport), he has what Tony La Russa likes to call "intangibles." He's feisty, he's a competitor, and he's a ballplayer regardless of whether the ball is round or oblong. Though it's unclear how durable his slender frame will be in a league full of angry 300-pound colossi, the Rams need to shake things up, and the little guy has worked wonders for the Cards despite the fact that he's not particularly good at anything. If he fulfills his upside potential, he could be a very marketable two-sport star — the white Deion Sanders, if you will.
Jesus (via trade from New Orleans): Right now the Rams don't have a prayer, but that could change faster than you can say "Hail Mary" if they're able to acquire this rare talent. "He" has worked miracles for teams in the past and has a proven track record in the league — dozens of players, including former Rams QB Kurt Warner and resurgent Detroit Lions play-caller Jon Kitna credit Him for much of their success. At two millennia and counting, His Chris Weinke-like age is a concern. Like Ichiro in baseball, He could be the first NFL player to wear his first name on the back of his jersey.
Monster.com: A package deal that takes care of two immediate needs. Current head coach Scott Linehan can post his résumé and scout prospective employers and the Rams front office can view thousands of head-coaching applicants with a simple click of the mouse.
Steven Jackson's Groin: While Jackson was a solid first-round draft choice in 2004, the Rams can finally cash in on their investment if they're able to reunite Jackson and his nether region. Represented by super-agent Scott Boras, the groin could be a steal in the later rounds as other teams fear a contract holdout.