Seven St. Louis Guys You've Probably Dated 

Share on Facebook
Submit to Reddit
Girl, you know it's true.

See Also: Seven St. Louis Gals You've Probably Dated

Illustrations by Wardell Brown.
OF 9
Mr. High School Has-Been

Sure, this guy is kind of a paunchy loser who hit his peak the summer between his sophomore and junior year. But you've got to hand it to Mr. HSHB: He is loyal. He's so loyal, in fact, that he hangs out with the same crowd he did in high school. You'd better like the ol' gang and they had better like you — even though he'll pick the former every time.

Habitat: The bar down the street from his folks' house that has let him drink there since he was eighteen. On Friday nights, the football stands at his alma mater.

Preferred drink: Anything out of a keg is cool by him

Listens to: "Glory Days" by Springsteen in his car. On cassette tape.

What he's reading: His yearbook

Pickup line: "Where'd you go to high school?"

Can't live without: Memories, man

Not to be paired with: Ms. Expressionist. The first time his high school pals see her in pasties, they'll never let him forget it.
Mr. Clayton Try-Hard

Also known as the "35K Millionaire," Mr. Clayton Try-Hard isn't about to rein in his bank-busting lifestyle — crappy middle-management job and staggering debt be damned. This phony, faux-riche douche has an image to uphold, one that comes complete with a Bimmer — which he's leasing, of course, because owning outright is for suckers.

Habitat: Hasn't missed a Party in the Park in seven years. In colder months find him at Bar Napoli, where he will buy you a drink and inevitably invite you back to his place: an apartment in a complex that rhymes with "The Poorlands."

Preferred drink: Martini, extra dirty — if you know what he means. (You know what he means.)

What he's reading: Subscribes to Dwell but only for show. Rereads I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell yearly for inspiration.

Listens to: Artists who are "big in Europe," Howard Stern

Can't live without: Credit

Not to be paired with: Ms. Old Money. She'll see through him in a second.
Mr. Urbanist

This guy chooses form over function every time, so you'd better be as well-appointed as his beloved midcentury-modern home in the Central West End (that he never shuts up about). Mr. Urbanist can also be identified by that oval "City" bumper sticker slapped on the back of his Saab.

Habitat: Currently chained to the doors of the Lewis & Clark public library, which will be torn down over his dead body

Preferred drink: An Old Fashioned, naturally. He drank it before Mad Men went on the air and made it trendy with the hoi polloi in the friggin' suburbs.

Listens to: The march of urban sprawl

What he's reading: The Eames Lounge Chair: An Icon of Modern Design

Ideal vacation: Denmark, to look at a bunch of fucking chairs

Not to be paired with: Ms. Fix It. Mr. Urbanist knows he's already perfect.
Mr. Epicurean

They say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and for Mr. Epicurean that stomach has to be filled with the best money can buy. Or at least the trendiest money can buy. Yes, you're in for some great meals. Unfortunately, those extravagant dishes come served with a heaping portion of ennui, with him rambling on about peat, tannins and the advantages to ordering a dry-aged steak versus a wet-aged one. And don't expect this meal ticket to last, girlfriend. Like that exotic, unpronounceable canapé he's nibbling on, you're just the flavor of the month.

Habitat: A members-only establishment so cool it doesn't even exist yet

Preferred drink: Something he just read about in Saveur, so he can launch into a monologue that begins, "I just read about this varietal in Saveur..."

Listens to: Himself, mostly

Ideal vacation: Back to this precious winery in Napa. He goes every year.

Can't live without: Umami

Pairs well with: Ms. I'm Not From Here. Both have a taste for distant lands.
Mr. Service Industry Moocher

Feeling a little blue? Mr. Service Industry Moocher will take care of that the minute he shows up at your door with a beer bong in one hand and a blunt in the other. He'll keep you out till last call at the city's finer 3 a.m. establishments and manages to get out of paying bar tabs because the dude knows everybody...and everybody knows he's playing jump rope with the poverty line, what with his grueling part-time restaurant job. But like a wicked hangover, you'll eventually just want him to go away.

Habitat: A tiny shithole with a condemned deck hanging off the back. If he lives in Soulard, he will refer to it as "The Island" and has no plans to move. Or grow up.

Preferred drink: Shots, on the house

Pickup line: "Wazzzuuuuuuupp." Still.

Ideal vacation: Bellied up at Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo Cantina in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico

Can't live without: Lax public-urination laws, Mardi Gras

Pairs well with: Ms. Let's Get Married. The chances are slim, but if they get past date No. 1, it's a match.
Mr. Bloozier

Known in other seasons as Mr. Rams Redneck and Mr. Busch Stadium Bleacher Boor, this sports fan/hoosier hybrid is in a near-constant state of bliss when St. Louis teams are hot. But watch out when the home team begins to slide: His libido will too, and that happy-go-lucky sports nerd will return to his Neanderthal roots, "dropping gloves" with any and everyone who offends him. Expect him to show up in his slightly less gross Federko sweater on "fancy" date nights — to Buffalo Wild Wings.

Habitat: Mr. Bloozier feels most comfortable when his jorts are parked in the nosebleeds or a tailgate within spitting distance of Scottrade Center, Busch Stadium or the Edwards Jones Dome

Preferred drink: Bud (heavy)

What he's reading: Bernie Miklasz's columns on, trolling commenters who dare question the logic of a zone defense

Pickup line: Drunkenly slurring something about going "deep in the crease" and/or "rounding the bases"

Pairs well with: Ms. Provincial. They both root for the home team.
Mr. Do-Gooder Artsy Doofus

The appeal of Mr. Do-Gooder Artsy Doofus is that he just feels things, man. Everything. He's all about helping society, from shunning big-box stores to conserving things like water and food and gas. So he showers on the weekly, mooches rides off of friends and makes salads from weeds growing out of cracks in the sidewalk. You may or may not have accidentally glimpsed him crapping into a coffee can for his compost pile/upcoming art exhibit.

Habitat: Wherever the wind carries him and his B.O.

Preferred drink: Hot tea, even in summer. He brings his own handmade ceramic cup to the Mud House.

Ideal vacation: Biking and couch-surfing his way through Thailand

Pickup line: "Uh, so, I'm in this band..."

Pairs well with: Ms. Social (Media) Butterfly. She can't smell him online.