Sometimes life feels like it's riding on red velvet. Your Hyundai's running like a Bentley and your ass looks better in the Dickies than in the Dolces. Humming along at peak speed, the duct-tape-and-plastic window singing in the breeze, the autumn sun making everything look slathered in oil, the clouds as poofy as your hair...you, dear, are rolling. Your eyes twinkle and ting like a triangle. Your toes are curled. The bite mark on your shoulder, the shape of Mona Lisa's smile, pinches into a pucker then starts rapping:
Oooooooooooooooh, shit, that's how we do it baby
"Every day like this?" Seven dayy-ayyys
...I tell you three-sixty-five
Winter, spring and fall, in the summer we ride
You are a Pimp. Your juice glows green. You have hoes -- many of them in different area codes. And when you're thirsty, H2O simply will not do. Water, Mr. Pimp, is for Poindexters. Want to get ripe? You want a mixer gushing with energy, gushing with guarana, gushing with liquid excreted by a hustler. That mixer of the moment -- but as yet successfully harnessed -- as you no doubt know by now, is PIMP JUICE, the beverage purportedly concocted by that lady Nelly Furtado or something that's causing all the uproar and pissing off those who have some sort of problem with the idea of the Pimp, a.k.a. he who prostitutes women to support his pinky-ring habit -- and apparently denigrates a race and/or a gender in the process.
We've heard of only one Pimp-and-booze creation in the city thus far, the way-too-predictable "Pimptini" -- which is a lowdown durrty shame considering a) the wealth of ace bartenders around town; b) the glistening green color of the drink and its softly carbonated tangy apple flavor; and c) the sheer number of potential drink names. (Once you've got a good name, the recipe writes itself.) Here, we'll toss you some bones, barkeeps: Pimp Cocktail. Vodka Pimplet. An Old Fashioned Pimp. Pimpnog. Pimp Seaman. Pimosa. A Pimp Julep. The Hoedriver. The Hoehound. Oh! the places you can go!
Okay, okay. It's like Red Bull, but green. Not terribly original. Can's the same shape, the goal is the same: to give you a kick at 2 a.m. that'll boost your energy enough to continue pimping until the wee wee hours. The label design is fantastic, all sleek and twenty-first century. But, like most beverages in a can, Pimp Juice is mainly carbonated water and high fructose corn syrup. The secret weapon is guarana, so they say, but that's way down there on the ingredients list, right below maltodextrin. So don't get your hopes up that this elixir is a cure for cancer, an aphrodisiac or organic beer goggles. It's a drink with a funny -- okay, brilliant -- name. Ah, Nelly. Rapper. Fashion designer. Pimp. Nutritionist. Could St. Louis be blessed with a more stylin' ambassador? Beats the heck out of Joe Buck.