"Attractive, fun-loving brunette seeks a long-term relationship," starts the post, which can be found in the women-seeking-men section at stlouis.craigslist.org/w4m/238691552.html. "I've had a rocky past that I want to put behind me. I was kicked out of the house when I was young and pregnant (my babies were taken away from me and I haven't seen them since).... I've felt so alone and abandoned, I'm ready to start living and having fun."
The 60 local horndogs who responded were directed to a MySpace page, www.myspace.com/misty_love_xo, where they were introduced to Misty, a brown pit bull who lives in Northampton County, North Carolina: "I may look different than you had expected, but I still need your help."
In her snaps Misty looks miserable, tethered to a rope inside what looks to be an overturned plastic garbage can. In her profile, she "writes": "I am chained 24-7 in my 'owner's' backyard. As you can see from my photo above, I was born with a birth defect my legs are severely bowed sometimes it's uncomfortable for me to stand or walk (although I don't walk much since I am chained around the clock and have not much room to move). Despite my condition, my 'owners' have bred me to sell my puppies."
If you haven't already guessed, the stunt comes courtesy of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, which posted the ads in cities nationwide in late November. So far 250 men have responded.
"We're trying to shed light on the plight of chained dogs," says Daphna Nachminovitch, director of PETA's domestic animal department. "Man's best friend shouldn't spend their lives eating, sleeping, urinating and defecating in the same patch of dirt, day after day."
The goal wasn't to find someone to adopt the dog, as Misty's owners, er, guardians, have no intention of parting with her, says Nachminovitch. (She says they gave her permission to take the pictures, though.) As for the bestiality implications, reports Nachminovitch:
"Thankfully, it didn't go down that road. Although Misty could certainly use a good walk."
Finders Keepers, Losers Tapers
If you happened to pick up a lost wallet in Belleville recently, beware: Paul Kinsella was probably watching. A cartoonist and Webmaster, Kinsella spent the bulk of September planting wallets around the east-side suburb, then holing up with a hidden camera to see what happened.
He planted 100 wallets in all. Inside was $2.10 in cash, a pinch of dirt, a broken toothpick (to give the wallet a "lived-in feel," Kinsella says), a fake $50 gift certificate ostensibly redeemable for cash and Kinsella's contact information.
"I gave them enough rope, [but] it was up to them to hang themselves," explains Kinsella, who lives in neighboring New Athens.
Only 26 percent of his subjects went to the figurative gallows.
Not surprisingly, older finders were more likely to return the wallets than their younger counterparts, the amateur sociologist reports.
What did surprise the latter-day Levi-Strauss? The racial breakdown, for one thing: 79 percent of white wallet finders were "honest" Kinsella's designation for people who return the wallet (as opposed to the "dishonest" people who "steal" it) versus 57 percent of blacks.
"I didn't think the difference would be so profound," says Kinsella, though he hastens to add, "I'm a big fan of science, but I'm not exactly sure what the scientific method entails."
Among Kinsella's less hot-button findings: Women (86 percent) are more "honest" than men (61 percent).
That was another surprise. "I thought that there were more men in prison than women because men are aggressive and we do more things. Like: Women want to rob banks and liquor stores but they just don't have the guts.
Adds Kinsella: "My faith in penises has definitely gone down."
"Bryan," who called Kinsella seeking to redeem the $50 gift certificate, which he said he won in a poker game, appears to have been one such dick.
Naturally, Kinsella recorded the conversation and put it on his Web site.
As Bryan spins his poker story, Kinsella plays along: Whoever used the gift certificate is likely the thief, he tells Bryan. "What kind of a scumbag would do a thing like that?" he adds. "I wish those kind of people would just drop dead. How can they take advantage of good people like you and me?"
"That's bogus," Bryan commiserates.
"That's totally bogus," Kinsella agrees. "I hope guys like that burn in a lake of their own vomit in Hell."
"Yeah," says Bryan. "I'm out $50."
Gotta Have Hart
Seems like a lot of authors have turned up in Chesterfield of late. But how many have dined with Princess Grace in Monte Carlo, sparred with actor Steve McQueen in Los Angeles and been booted from Thailand after appearing on Bangkok billboards?
Far's we know (and we couldn't check all the facts), one: Earnest Hart Jr., author of How to Vacation and Travel Safely...and Come Back Alive, Unreal's nominee for best book title of 2006 (and available on Amazon.com).
The 51-year-old Hart says he was the first African-American champion in kickboxing and one of the first black stars of the sport to compete on television back in the 1970s. Today he teaches martial arts to the young men and women, especially the latter, of Ladue and Wildwood who're preparing for life (in college) beyond the sticks.
Unreal: You dined with Princess Grace in Monte Carlo?
Earnest Hart Jr.: Princess Caroline was getting married, so they brought me over there to do entertainment. It was at a restaurant overlooking the Mediterranean Sea.
What do Ladue girls need to know about coming back alive?
We're dealing with a lot of awareness skills at first, because in the environment they grow up in, they're not thinking of those kinds of things.
One night in Bangkok changed your life, according to this press release....
Yes. I got a rude awakening. They held me hostage, changed my way of living.
They say one night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble. Was it a woman that held you hostage?
Oh, no. I went over there to be a guest for some fights. I wasn't supposed to fight, because I had a contract with American television. When I said I wasn't going to fight, the guys with guns came over. They took my visa, passport. And they said, "You better not win the fight or else you're gonna be in prison." They said Thai jails make American jails look like Girl Scout camp.
And almost 30 years later you're writing a book about it?
Right. I got attacked when I went back to my van. Then, when I finally got back to the hotel, the promoters told me they had no money to pay me. I went out visiting temples. [My driver] didn't tell me there was martial law; all of a sudden he just puts me off at an opium den-slash-prostitution house and tells me he'll pick me up in the morning. When I got back to the hotel, the promoters were there to pay me, but they started deducting money for my hotel and my expenses.
How much did they deduct for the prostitution?
Ah, no no. I just stayed in the prostitution house. My wife will kill me: You'll get me killed if you put that I did!