Dining » Food & Drink

Morton House Mushroom Gravy & Salisbury Steak

Grand Supermarket
2700 South Grand Boulevard


Nothing quite trumpets the arrival of fall like prying the lid from a tin of Morton House Mushroom Gravy & Salisbury Steak, a meal so unnatural that its four meat wafers emerge from their squat tomb domed like slices of fried bologna.

Just like fall, a can of Morton House has a treat for each of your senses. It's vacuum-packed, so it delivers a gratifying phsst! as air rushes into the can's oxygen-deprived contents. Better yet, the "mushroom gravy" clings so forcefully to the lid that peeling it away creates a ripping sound not usually heard outside the skinning room of a slaughterhouse.

Lid wrested from gravy, a peer inside the can of Morton House Mushroom Gravy & Salisbury Steak shows it to be a dead ringer for the output of a laxative-loaded baby — were it not for the multitudinous orbs of fat that don't reabsorb until the "gravy" is heated.

By now you may be thinking that Morton House Mushroom Gravy & Salisbury Steak smells like dog food. Well, you'd be half right. It smells worse than dog food. You open a can of dog food knowing it's going to the dog. With a can of Morton House Mushroom Gravy & Salisbury Steak, on the other hand, you're smelling it with the foreknowledge that in a few short minutes you'll be ingesting it.

But as I dump my Morton House into a saucepan and apply it to flame, it occurs to me that I might have built this "steak" into too great a demon. As the "gravy" begins to simmer, its aroma is not that of a Grade D food ration, as I'd imagined. No, I think I can safely say that Morton House Mushroom Gravy & Salisbury Steak would merit no less than a C-minus (adjusting for grade inflation, of course).

On the tongue I don't detect a hint of mushroom in the gravy, but a quick scan of the ingredients list reveals, toward the bottom, in the "contains 2% or less of the following" section, that a can of Morton House does contain "mushroom pieces." The meat falls apart at the touch of a fork, though not in a very appetizing way, and I'm able to suck down only one disk before aborting the mission.

Ultimately a can of Morton House Mushroom Gravy & Salisbury Steak is harmless. The "steak" shares the same meatball DNA of countless Chef Boyardee products. Which is to say you might as well be eating meat product-flavored wheat gluten.

I'm no better for having eaten the stuff, a realization I'd happily have been spared, but as fall's changing leaves remind us, once opened, there's no resealing a can of Morton House Mushroom Gravy & Salisbury Steak.

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Riverfront Times Club for as little as $5 a month.