IS THAT A DILDO IN MY BRIEFS? The sharks at Bryan Cave must be eating well these days, considering one of their own allegedly made off with more than a million simoleons before somebody said what the?...
Kelly Layne Mullins worked in collections for the city's stuffiest corporate law firm, but according to charges filed recently by the St. Louis Circuit Attorney's office, she was busily collecting for herself. The 45-year-old is accused of laundering nearly $1.7 million from the firm -- money she allegedly used on life's necessities.
Among those necessities: A 2002 Infiniti I35. Computers. DVD players. Stereos. TVs. Camping and exercise equipment. More than two dozen watches, including a couple of Rolexes. Autographed sports memorabilia. Cases of popcorn. Lots of purses, including seven still in a Dillard's shopping bag.
St. Louis cops hauled off those goodies -- and lots of other swag -- from Mullins' Bridgeton home in October. Of course, the daily seed catalog dutifully reported the charges (the case has yet to go before a grand jury, and no indictment's been returned), but there were some details the Post-Dispatch didn't share with readers.
That's Worm's job.
According to a property inventory, police also seized several boxes of brand-spanking-new sex toys. Not just run-of-the-mill novelties, either. Mullins' collection included at least two dozen vibrators, including some with lights! The magical middle managers are now under lock and key at police HQ -- exactly where dildoes belong.
According to the charges, Mullins set up a collection company that submitted phony invoices to Bryan Cave for the past five years. Police were called to investigate in August.
A police-department dick insists the case isn't all that unusual: "Every major business has somebody stealing from them" -- even this place, where former senator Jack Danforth hangs his miter. What is unusual: the discovery that Mullins needed so many pleasure probes. "Three or four of 'em -- past that, what the hell would you want that many for? I mean, do they wear out?" the detective wonders.
Rick Sindel, Mullins' lawyer, doesn't have an answer either. He's still waiting for copies of prosecution records: "Anyone who looks over the search-warrant list will think and believe they took a lot of pretty minor things of very little value but that would be personally embarrassing to her."
Because so many items were still in original packaging, Worm figures Mullins intended to give them as presents. Police have already tracked gifts to boyfriends and family members; the dildoes, Worm figures, were likely stocking-stuffers for needy co-workers.
But it's only a theory.