A tough day for the Worm, who, for some reason, was having the damnedest time getting his pants on. Compounding Worm's misery: A source at the daily seed catalog called to blab about another raid on the venerable Riverfront Times. This time, Pulitzer's press pukes are coming after syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage, who's gained national props for his tighty-whities contest and for licking Gary Bauer's knobs.
Savage, tips the snitch, is slated to be the marquee writer for "Let's Get It On" -- a new stand-alone section aimed at building readership for the flagging St. Louis Post-Dispatch.
According to an internal memo penned in invisible ink, Post marketing gurus describe the new section as a way of reaching people who may actually engage in sexual intercourse.
An industry analyst applauds the move: "Let's face it -- daily-newspaper readers are getting older. Indeed, I wouldn't be surprised if some Post readers are actually dead," says Edward Trimchopper, vice topper of Bartholomew, Sullivan & Associates, a firm that tracks media equities and Canada geese.
"It makes perfect sense for a daily to try to reach people with pulses -- and our market surveys indicate that people who engage in sex tend to be among the living," Trimchopper says.
A "Let's Get It On" prototype includes celebrity profiles, how-to and trend stories, and recipes. It's modeled on "Let's Eat," which was launched this summer to fool grocers into buying ads.
Whether "Let's Get It On" will stop the P-D's circulation slide is unclear: A five-month probe by the St. Louis Sheriff's Department attributes the readership drop on declining newsroom productivity, with most staffers busy on broadcast gigs, surfing the Net or trying to land book deals.
"We tracked 'em for weeks and couldn't figure out what they actually do," says Sheriff Jim Murphy.
LET US PRAY: More proof that sports and religion don't mix: First, Kurt Warner runs straight into Big Trouble with NFL honchos for writing Bible verses on his jock. Now this: Worm hears Warner is giving entire Sundays to the Lord. No word yet from the Rams' front office, but one leading theologian is thrilled that the QB will be in the pews and not on the playing fields on the Sabbath: "It's a minuscule sacrifice when you consider that Jesus gave his life to save us sinners!" gushes the Reverend Edward Trimchopper. "Besides, there's always Monday Night Football!"