With a name like La Lucky Brand White Fungus Bird's Nest Drink, how can you not pop that sucker open and pound it? Enunciated aloud, it's either a line from a mediocre Gertrude Stein poem or an actual, real drink, and the good news is, it's the latter, so dive in, man. What's the hold-up? It's, like, okay, white fungus -- yummy -- and just when you're thinking, how could a drink get any better than white-fungus-flavored, but then -- but then -- it's a bird's nest drink, so you must have just died and gone to heaven! White fungus! Bird's nest flavoring! Drink up!
La Lucky Farmer Brand is the company, out of Thailand. White fungus refers to the presence of white fungus in this Asian energy drink -- at least according to the ingredients, offered in what we hope is fractured English but fear is not, on the side of a skinny Red Bull-esque can straight out of the cooler section of Jay International Foods, which contains a weird and wonderful world of elixirs internationale. Of course, having had scant experience with white fungus, it's tough to pin down precisely what in this sweetened-with-rock-sugar drink is that flavor -- where exactly the fungus is among us, so to speak. But then, lost in a confusion of reactions after taking a swig, the answer perhaps arrives in the form of a racing thought that you'd never imagine having: "Oh, okay, maybe the chunks are the white fungus."
Here's what you do. Go to Jay's, buy two cans, then walk over to the Woodland Pool area of Tower Grove Park; the tranquil spot used to be home to the ugliest cesspool in the best dang park in the city, but then the magician gardeners there transformed it into the best contemplative spot in said park. Go especially right now, when the algae's still pretty, the greeenery has three e's and the pubescent dragonflies are skittering like crackheads on Viagra.
Sit on the bench and pop a can. Honest-to-goodness shuddering willies taught us that you might want to shake the can, because if not, the last gulp of that first can will be all fungus, and you, of course, want to enjoy fungi with every delectable sip. Tastes like sweet tapioca, man, or maybe vanilla pudding cut with H2O. Chunky. Not dirty, because the bird's nest isn't real. "Make you healthy!" explains the man at Jay's, pumping his fists.
Keep going. You've still got a whole 'nother can of the stuff. It's actually pretty good once the willies subside, a sort of milky sweet chalky chunky drink. Listen to the little birdies chirping above, going about their business -- or are they cooking? Cooking up some nests, perhaps? Oh, the wonders of nature! Look! Up in that tree! All those nests, moments before only wonders of engineering and architecture, now also transformed into wonders of culinary science -- sweet, delicious twig doughnuts, so scrumptious you just want to scuttle on up the trunk and stuff one in your mouth whole. Sweet birds' nests. Delectable white fungus bird's nest drink, only 69 cents a can.