Not only is Joe Ortwerth the county executive of the state's fastest-growing parking lot, he's St. Charles County's leading theologian and moral compass. With the Lord in his corner, Joe's accomplished wonders for the people of the Great Exodus -- those pale scaredy-cats who fled to the land of milk and honey, big-box stores and traffic jams.
But lately, things haven't been going Holy Joe's way.
· Jesus picked Wendell Bailey in the lieutenant governor's race.
· Jesus let Joan Jett and her black-hearted evildoers perform at Joe's Family Arena.
· Jesus unleashed Fox-2's Elliott Davis on Joe.
When "You Paid For It" Elliott demanded answers late last month about a still-empty juvenile-justice center, all Joe could do was sputter, repeatedly: "Jesus loves you, Elliot."
Well, as usual, the Worm knows better.
Not only does Jesus not love Elliott Davis, the Son of God doesn't have much use for Joe.
"Actually, I'm really pissed at the little prick," Jesus tells the Worm.
"Nothing makes me angrier than when two-bit politicians use my name to dodge the media's questions," Jesus says.
"And with Joe, it's habitual. Shoot, last year he told folks that he'd 'relinquished control of his private and public life' to me. So now everybody's blaming me for his crap!"
As Jesus speaks, his veins bulge, his eyes narrow, the sky darkens and the Worms looks for cover.
Then Jesus winks:
"You know, I'm thinking of getting involved in local politics. Whaddya think about this election slogan: 'Joe Ortwerth is full of crap -- so this time, vote Democrat'?"
According to Ortwerth's publicist at the Daily Seed Catalog, Holy Joe never intended to anger the Lord and only invoked his holy name because, see, Elliott Davis is Beelzebub.
Says Joe to the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: "I wish I could tell people the truth."
POLICE BEAT: The Worm loves that big softie Bill McClellan. Whenever the cops plug a civilian, count on the P-D columnist to cry crocodile tears -- for the cops. Until recently, McClellan's sympathy has come on the cheap. But now he's putting his money where his mouth is: Worm's precinct snitches say good ol' Bill will pick up rounds for any off-duty city flatfoot with a sob story who shows up at King Louie's on Thursdays.