The following is an Unreal editorial and does not reflect the views and opinions of Riverfront Times while sober.
Unreal is no doctor, but the latest research out of Saint Louis University seems like a no-brainer to us. Last week, scientists at the school's division of geriatric medicine released a study reporting that THC the psychoactive chemical found in marijuana leads to weight gain in elderly patients who suffer from anorexia and loss of appetite. To which we ask: Umm, haven't the brainiacs at SLU ever heard of "the munchies"?
A more relevant research topic might have been to examine the food choices these oldsters made when pumped full of cannabis. We always revert to an appetizer of Fiddle-Faddle, followed by an entrée of Pizza Hut stuffed-crust pizza (extra large) and an ice-cream float. (Seniors may wish to substitute our suggested dessert with a Geritol shake.)
But perhaps we're being too critical. Maybe we need SLU researchers to scientifically connect the dots. Now that we know it's the chemical properties of THC causing our feeding frenzy and not poor self-image or as we sometimes suspect a gigantic tapeworm, perhaps we're all better served.
Maybe the researchers could study the alleged "mellowing agents" in THC. The ill-tempered Father Lawrence Biondi might make a good test subject for that theory. Lord knows (He does, He told us) that Biondi could benefit from a righteous doobie every now and again. Perhaps, too, SLU scientists could look at the alleged waist-slimming effects of cocaine. We're aware of at least one portly new addition to SLU who could afford to shed a few pounds. Who knows? It might even be good for his health.
Unreal Drinks for Everyone!
CherryTAP.com certainly isn't the first social-networking Web site. Facebook and MySpace beat it to the punch eons ago in 'Net years. But what sets CherryTAP apart is the fact that it bills itself as the first "online watering hole," a place where members can strike up conversation by buying each other "virtual drinks" in a visually stimulating atmosphere.
Having strolled through CherryTAP's swinging doors, Unreal is here to say that if Friendster can be compared to a SLU dive bar and MySpace to a trendy twentysomething club on Washington Avenue, CherryTAP is Pop's in Sauget at 3 a.m. on a Sunday: It's dark. It's loud. It's full of creepy rednecks, and it's guaranteed to make you friskier than a jug of Crystal Palace gin and a six-pack of Mello Yello.
Consider the banter our new friend Cherrylicious a 24-year-old, 280-pound woman from Belleville inspired when she posted photos of her tremendous tattooed cleavage. Agresive1, a shirtless fella from Blacklick, Ohio, responded: "I love Illinois!" Sweetdaddy K from Copperas Cove, Texas, summarized what we all were thinking. "Hi gorgeous," he said. "Beautiful pic."
Unreal was saying hello to MissNewBooty, a full-figured vixen from St. Louis, when we were joined by ProfessorCunnilingus and Iceman3705. "Mmm, mmm. Nice ass," posited the professor. "Ass so P.H.A.T. mack [sic] you won't [sic] to slap your momma," concurred Iceman.
After an hour or two of mingling, Unreal was headed home solo when we came across TalentedTongue, a bearded 35-year-old from Fairview Heights who shared with us pre-coital poses of himself lying in bed.
"I've looked for love in all the wrong places," he said philosophically. "May as well look here too."
Couldn't have said it better ourself.
The first half of this week's Commontary(tm) comes from Patricia Fitzgerald, a 43-year-old resident of south city and an on-again, off-again patron of Bella's bar. Part Two is courtesy of a bewildered Jim Mackiewicz, a retired Hill native who bought the Southwest Avenue pub eight weeks ago.
Patricia Fitzgerald: When my birthday came around, I asked my friends and family to meet [at Bella's] for drinks with plans to return after dinner-theater. When I got there, they had a couple of tables put together since we were a large crowd of twelve. We ordered a couple of buckets of beer and several drinks as well.
All went fine, we left and attended our dinner-theater. Upon our return we again ordered a couple buckets of beer and drinks, put money in the jukebox and proceeded with our celebration. Two of my lesbian friends headed for the restroom and while in the back hallway waiting for the bathroom exchanged a kiss. The next thing I know my partner and a friend are speaking to the owner of the bar. Upon entering the conversation, I was hit with the man's statement: "WE DON'T WANT YOUR KIND HERE!" Well, at that point I gathered my family and friends (some who are, by the way, not gay) and told them we were going somewhere else. As they left the bar peaceably, I returned to the owner and informed him of his bigoted, narrow-minded view and told him that if he didn't want "OUR KIND" in his establishment he needed to remove the rainbow flag from his window.
Jim Mackiewicz: They came in and put their tables together in front of my entrance, and they wouldn't let anybody get into the bar. There was probably twenty people. They covered my whole front entrance. I said, "I don't mind you putting tables together, but could you please move them a little so people can come in and get out?"
I have nothing against their sexuality whatsoever. They're not coming in and taking over my bar. They don't make love in my bar. I don't let straight people make love in my bar. I run people out every day for that. This is a neighborhood bar. I have a bunch of lesbian ladies that come in all the time, but I can't let people make love at the bar or in the back corners it's distasteful as hell.
The woman asked me if I wanted her to leave and I said, "Not particularly, but if you're going to continue acting this way, it will not bother me a bit."
I bought this place from another person, and I don't know what a rainbow flag is. If it's in my window, I'll take the damn thing out. It's a weird situation. It was a terrible thing that happened.
Ever get the urge to jump up and ____ this damn town? Tell Unreal about it! firstname.lastname@example.org.