"Uh, no, I don't have sex with nothin'. I'm just junkin' the Dumpsters for aluminum cans, and any time I get a few bucks, I spend it drinkin' beer, you know? I'm not married and I don't mind bein' celibate. It's simpler that way."
"Caught in the act? Yeah, I was on the back porch with this girl, trying to hide. I was already paranoid, thinking somebody was gonna walk out. And then it happened: My uncle comes out: 'Hey, what you doin' back there?' 'Oh, nothing.' I didn't stop, I'll tell you that. I had to finish the job. Already got caught, so what the hell -- go for the gusto."
Proprietor, O'Malley's Irish Gift Shop
"When I was thirteen years old I found out that I could get happy in the bathtub, rubbing that little fellow with soapy water. And I was devoted to it for a while there, until I got caught by my dad one day. He already suspected it. And by the way, that thing I was doing? He called me that a few times, too."
Proprietor, the Elephant's Trunk Antiques -- Caseyville, Illinois
"I was caught in Fairgrounds Park when I was seventeen. My husband and I were living with his mom in a two-room apartment, and we slept in the kitchen on a daybed. That didn't leave us much privacy, so we drove to the park, and we're fooling around in the back seat when a cop came up: 'What are you two doing?' So I told him the story and he said, 'Well, don't be doin' it up here!'"
Brands Manager, Middendorf Meats
"When I was seven I got caught stealing a candy bar from the National supermarket -- it was a Butterfinger; they're good! But the manager came up to me as I was leaving, and he felt my pocket and he said, 'Son, what's this? Did you pay for that?' He let me go, yeah, and he may have saved me from a life of crime, although he warned me that he'd be watching me and never to come back. Now the place is a Streetside Records and I still can't go in there."
Spokesman, the Hair Club for Men
"Of course! I went to Catholic school for thirteen years. The nuns see every act you commit, whether they're present or not. Therefore, you're caught in every act because you're perpetually guilty."