The walls of Unreal's cubicle aren't nearly high enough to shield us from our colleagues when they whine about how hard it is to pry public records from the clutches of local officialdom.
We requested a Girls Gone Wild video from St. Louis Excise Commissioner Bob Kraiberg and he ponied right up!
Back in September, GGW's "Back to School" tour descended on the Vault in the Central West End. Perhaps not surprisingly, there ensued the softcore antics cineastes have come to expect from the storied video series. And so did plainclothes St. Louis police officers and liquor-control agents, who witnessed alleged underage drinking and sundry debauchery, then promptly pooped the party.
The city suspended the Vault's liquor license for 70 days the clubland equivalent of a death sentence. The penalty has been postponed pending a hearing on Wednesday, February 15.
Undoubtedly Circuit Judge Lisa Van Amburg's ruling will be influenced by Excise Exhibition V.
That would be the aforementioned video, seized during the bust.
And thanks to state statute 610 a.k.a. Missouri's Sunshine Law you can play along at home! Simply copy the form letter below and mail it to the indicated address or fax to 314-613-3172.
City of St. Louis Excise Commissioner
1200 Market Street, Room 416
St. Louis, MO 63103
This is a request for records under the Missouri Sunshine Law, Chapter 610, Revised Statutes of Missouri.
I hereby request Excise Exhibition V, "VHS copy of video tape," from the citation hearing of Ahmed Jakupovic, manager of the Vault Restaurant & Cabaret, before the Excise Commissioner on November 21, 2005. I request that the tape be sent to me at the address below.
[YOUR SIGNATURE HERE]
[YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS HERE]
One caveat: On late-night TV and the Internet, a Girls Gone Wild video will set you back $9.99. The city charged us $14.71 for the Vault tape; we have no idea how much they might try to extort from you.In the spirit of letting the sun shine in, we'll mail a free DVD copy of Exhibit V to the first ten readers to get a plain brown SASE to Unreal, 6358 Delmar Boulevard, Suite 200, St. Louis, MO 63130.
We Like to Roll
Last week the St. Louis Board of Aldermen passed and then promptly rescinded an ordinance making the possession or installation of jumbo car stereos illegal in St. Louis.
That's right, in the town hip-hop put back on the map, cars were to be limited to ten speakers, max. Other restrictions included speaker size (only one twelve-inch speaker per vehicle) and amp power (no more than two 300-watt amps).
"A bunch of crap," Nick Sample, co-owner of Traffic Jams, located on Olive Boulevard in University City, told Unreal (loudly), before the law was pulled. "There's people who have four fifteen-inch circle speakers in their trucks, or little cars with four twelve-inch speakers. There's a lot of stuff going on in those cars."
The bill was the brainchild of Alderman Craig Schmid, the board's resident spoilsport, who apparently doesn't like the way Unreal and our friends ride.
With all due respect, Alderman Schmid: We like bass. We like the kind of bass that makes your stomach feel funny, that makes your eardrums feel liquefied, that tickles your butthole. Your pansy-ass Kenny G tapes sound fine in your Hyundai, but you cannot listen to Mike Jones on a factory system. There is some shit going on back there in the crevices of the track that you cannot hear without at least 2,000 watts of power. Listening to the Three 6 Mafia without ample volume is like listening to Mahler without the string section. Kick a Mike Jones track to 8,000 watts and you can almost hear the whispers of the dead.
We're broke. We've got nothing to do. We're not robbing banks. We're rolling. Is your tedious brainchatter so important that it cannot make room for a few harmless seconds of deep, pure subharmonic bass as we roll by? The Man controls the media, decides what music comes out of the radio. Out on the street, when we ride down Cherokee stopping at every goddamn one of your 500 stop signs, Schmid, we like to roll, we like to share the love, and tonight we are listening to Young Motherfucking Jeezy.
Somebody Buy My Crap
Item: Playboy videos (23)
Condition: Pretty good
Price: $2 each
Seller/Age: John, 27
Issue: February 1
Unreal: Two bucks each? Did the market dictate that price, or are you being benevolent?
John: I thought I'd sell them cheap to get rid of them. Also, I bought them used a couple years ago when Videos Unlimited went out of business. Two dollars is about what I paid for them.
Any particular titles?
I've got about every video from 1996 and 2002. There's Voluptuous Vixens I and II and Girlfriends I and II. Another one is Girls of the Internet. What's interesting about it is that it came out in 1996, during the Internet's infancy.
So it features grainy, pixilated images of women as seen through a computer monitor?
No. It's pretty much a standard Playboy video: a naked chick looking hot. Only in this video she's in front of a computer.
Are you a bigger fan of the au naturel bunny of the 1970s, or do you prefer the synthetic 1990s look?
I love breasts. Implants are fine with me. But, truthfully, I'm just not a big fan of Playboy anymore. I think they've gone downhill. They used to get the hottest chicks in the world. Now it seems the magazine only features Hef's latest girlfriend.
Do you collect anything more explicit?
Not really. The main thing I collect is wrestling figures. I probably have about 150 of them. I think they'll be a pretty good investment.
How about Girls Gone Wild videos? We could get you some bootleg copies....
Thanks for the offer, but I feel they're even more of a tease than the Playboy videos I'm selling. If I want to see drunk girls getting naked, I'll go to Club Buca and start buying rounds of tequila.
From time to time Unreal trolls the St. Louis Post-Dispatch classified section's "Bargain Box." We cannot guarantee any item remains available for purchase at press time.
Local Blog O' the Week
About the blogger: Wheeler is a 21-year-old from St. Charles who works at Hotshots. On his MySpace.com profile, he says: "Most of my time is spent slacking to the max for now. When I don't slack, I mostly play minor league football, drink beer, update my web site, or go to work." His blog includes video accounts of his drunken antics.
Recent Highlight (date unknown): I forget the exact details of why I did it but something led me to give Jacqi a weggie. Which looking back now, I don't think I was fully prepared for the punishment that this girl can deliver. Would I do it again? Hell yea! Here is a list of the moves that she put on me in no particular order choke hold, choke slam, face slap, bite, elbow drop, kick to the head, penis grab and twist, purple nerple, and my favorite the choke and slap. I would later find out that she has three brothers and they performed these moves on her. Well after the assisted separation done by my good friend Chris and Steve we all stepped outside so some of them could smoke. I was lured into a trap under the banner of a truce. Walking outside with beers for everyone, damn I am a nice guy, I hand them out, open mine and get pushed over a bush. Injuring my already rolled ankle. I did save the beer though so all was not lost. She felt sorry like she should have came over and nursed me with a beer and helped me back inside.
Things slowed down and I as she was ready to leave. There was a problem, someone thought they would be cute and hide her purse in an attempt to keep her drunken ass there. For less then pure reasons I am sure. We find the purse and jet home. While driving we have this long conversation about how I am wuss for not being over Emily and how everything happens for a reason. I finally get home and face plant on my living room carpet.