Unreal once had a shrink who looked, talked and crossed her legs exactly like Dr. Jennifer Melfi from The Sopranos. So our superego was atwitter when we got a press release about sex with shrinks from the Citizens Commission of Human Rights® of St. Louis, Inc. an entity established by the Church of Scientology "to investigate and expose psychiatric violations of human rights."
A call to executive director Roger Teagarden revealed the 411.
Unreal: Your press release says that "a woman is at greater risk of being raped while on a psychiatrist's couch than while jogging alone at night through a city park."
Roger Teagarden: Federal studies is where the information came from. Of all the psychiatrists who were surveyed in the United States, 10 percent of them and there are 44,000 of them admitted that they had sexual relationships with their patients. Sixty-five percent said the client was complaining about being sexually molested by their former psychiatrist. So extrapolating that data, it appears that about 3,000 women in the United States are raped per year by their psychiatrists. We don't really know, because obviously nobody will really fess up to that. We think it's probably 15 to 25 percent. In California, we're thinking it's about 51 percent.
Do you have relatives that have kids?
My parents have kids.
How would you like to have your sister molested by a teacher and that teacher is allowed to keep teaching? It's the same concept.
Doesn't the Church of Scientology basically want psychiatry abolished anyway?
No! Where did you read that?
Our information comes mostly from the Great Tom Cruise-Matt Lauer debate of '05.
You have some very bad information. Would you like to have the raw data? I'll give you the raw data.
No. So, when is it okay to seduce your shrink?
Never! And if they accept your advances, they should be reported to the police.
Who do you think was most likely to have abused the doctor/patient relationship: Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung or Frasier Crane?
No idea. I don't deal in myths.
Exercise Is Like Opium
Hazelwood seventh-grade teacher Dr. Udis Lord isn't one for short titles, and why should she be? Among her many accomplishments, the 57-year-old Filipino immigrant was named Ms. Asia International for Academic Excellence and Service to Humanities and won the U.S. Army's Award for Inspirational Contribution. She has also authored six books, the latest of which is called Dr. Lord's Excellence Education: Anger and Stress Management, Self-Esteem Development and Ethical Decision Making.
Lord took time away from teaching and wordsmithing to rap with Unreal.
Unreal: First of all, you've accomplished a great deal in your life. Congratulations!
Udis Lord: I don't think so. I look at myself as a speck of dust in this wide world. I'm a small little human being having grown up in a poor country. But I've seen a lot of suffering, and I've always had an attachment to the underdog.
Why did you choose to tackle anger management in your latest book?
As a foreigner and a woman, I experienced a lot of prejudice. Anger built inside me and I said to myself, "I will show you. I will accomplish more than you ever will." But instead of destroying with my anger, I build.
What could your book teach someone like Osama bin Laden?
First I would teach him to believe in God. But my book isn't for psychotic people. A good way to relieve anger is to build yourself to the point where you can't be hurt by people. Then you can have an attitude like: "I can chew bullets between my two front teeth. You can't touch me now."
As a former Ms. Asia International, how do you manage to do all you do and still keep a tremendous figure?
I work out seven days a week. For me exercise is like opium. I do martial arts. I don't use it for violence, except if I saw someone hurting my kids. I'd kick the hell out of them. I'd be quick and deadly and run.
What might your next book be about?
My goal is to write 25 books. Realistically I think I can write four a year. I don't know for sure what the next will be, but today I was supervising students in the hallway and they were running and screaming. I'm not saying I'm the best mother in the world, but I think a book on parenting, by a divorced mom with three kids and twenty-six-and-a-half years of teaching experience would say a lot.
Somebody Buy My Crap
Item: eBay Holiday Money Maker
Issue: November 13
Unreal: What exactly is a Holiday Money Maker? Can you shake it?
Greg: Huh? No. It's a CD I made. It teaches people how to use eBay.
How's it work?
It gives them advice on how to use drop-shippers and market their product. For example, if you're selling a box of matches, you'd want to describe them as "matches for lighting candles." That way people searching for "matches" or "candles" will be linked to your product.
But if you really want to make money, don't you want to sell pricier things than matches?
Not necessarily. I tell people: "What would you rather do, sell one computer a month for a $300 profit or sell 1,000 boxes of matches for a profit of $1 per box?"
Why are you selling your eBay secrets? Aren't you worried about competition?
That's like trying to keep the Internet a secret. I could probably sell this for a lot more than $5, but this is all about wanting to help low-income people make some extra money for the holidays.
As the creator of a product called the "money maker," shouldn't you charge as much as possible?
I see it more as a good deed. Everyone is tight these days. People are worried about paying bills. Who wouldn't want to make a thousand extra bucks selling stuff from around the house?
Helping people sell their crap?
Yeah, something like that.
From time to time Unreal trolls the St. Louis Post-Dispatch classified section's "Bargain Box." We cannot guarantee any item remains available for purchase at press time.
LOCAL BLOG O' THE WEEK
"The View From Here"
Author: James Keown
About the blogger: Earlier this month James Keown was arrested on charges of murdering his wife, Julie. He allegedly poisoned her Gatorade with a chemical found in antifreeze when the couple lived in Waltham, Massachusetts. She died last year, whereupon Keown returned to his native Missouri and took a job as a talk-show host at a radio station in Jefferson City. He is now being held without bail in Massachusetts. In the entry below, he describes his second-to-last weekend of freedom, spent in St. Louis with a friend, who, like his late wife, is named Julie. [Note: This blog has been taken down, but at press time it remained viewable via a Google link to the cache.]
Recent Highlight (October 31, 2005): I make no bones about it, fall is my favorite time of the year. This weekend is a perfect example of why I feel this way. Friday, I made my way to St. Louis to spend the weekend with the girls Julie and Lilly the puppy. You spend a lot of time walking when you have a six-month old puppy. I've written before how much I enjoy Lafayette Square, where Julie lives. This weekend, with the weather so perfect, we spent some time with Lilly in Lafayette Park. It was impossible for us not to smile as we watched Lilly frolic through the leaves on the ground. She would dash after the squirrels and play with the acorns on the ground.
Walking underneath the tall trees near the duck pond, you forget that you're in the middle of one of the largest cities in American. Time slows down. You feel as if all your concerns are left at the gate when you walk in. The goal is not to get from one end of the park to the other. The goal is just to be in the park. Lafayette Park contains so many twists and turns that you can meander along which allows it to be a unique experience everything you go through.