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Bye Bye Birdie

A simply smashing affair

by and

SUN 5/18

Most of us have experienced it at least once, and we'll never forget it. We're sitting in the living room, doing a crossword puzzle or watching football on TV, and then suddenly -- boom! A bird slams into the glass of our picture window, breaking a wing or even sending its poor little self to bluejay heaven. Over at Rockwoods Reservation (2751 Glencoe Road), our friends from the Missouri Department of Conservation are offering a program that can help kids and parents put a stop to these avian suicides. The nature lovers at the reservation will explain why the birds get confused and how a simple craft involving a fishing line and some feathers can serve as a deterrent. Ages ten and older build these "bird guards" for free from 2-3:30 p.m. Call 636-458-2236 for a reservation.

Unless, of course, maybe you like birds smashing into your windows. Maybe you're one of those cruel little boys who likes to burn ants with a magnifying glass or drop an upturned box over a kitty cat. Is that what you're like? You're a sick one, aren't you? Come closer, child. We can't see you. Closer. That's right. (Smack!) Did that feel good? No, it hurt, didn't it? It hurts when something hits you in the head, doesn't it? Yes, it does. Now go make a bird guard. -- Byron Kerman

My Children Are Little Monsters
Making masks at SLAM

SUN 5/18

School's almost out, which means you're going to spend the next three months staring at your whiny kids while they squeal about Yu-Gi-Oh! or something equally obscure to the gainfully employed. Why not spice things up by taking the kids to Forest Park's St. Louis Art Museum for the free 2 p.m. Sunday Family Program? Your kids will learn about and construct their own African-style masks, which they can wear for the rest of the summer. Listening to the little monsters gripe about being bored with twelve weeks of vacation is never easy, but this way you can hate the mask and not the precious little punim underneath. (314-721-0072, -- Paul Friswold