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Blood and Guts

Jean Carnahan's shooting prowess could take her into the trenches

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U.S. Senator Jean Carnahan (D-Missouri) isn't just talking the talk on Iraq. No, our own Calamity Jane may be walking the walk.

Last week's congressional resolution, authorizing a major ass-whuppin' on Saddam, includes an amendment that'd plop Missouri's junior senator into the heart of Baghdad just before the November 5 election.

The amendment authorizes the formation of a crack expeditionary force, composed entirely of 68-year-old pro-choice women who own property in Phelps County, Missouri. Sponsored by crafty House Republicans, the amendment was added to the war resolution without debate.

Though she's not obligated to go, Carnahan is being urged to do her duty by Republican challenger Jim "Buzz Bait" Talent.

"Mrs. Carnahan needs to prove she's the real deal," Talent said, while fishing for trophy guppies at PETsMART. "It's time to stop scaring seniors and spook Iraqis instead!"

Carnahan, who pledged to vote for war because she wanted to "kick Talent's, I mean, Saddam's butt," apparently did not read the amendment that could put her in the line of fire. A top Carnahan aide accused U.S. Senator Kit Bond of telling his boss that the measure was designed to eliminate all life-forms in the upper Missouri River, something Carnahan could get behind.

"It's just dirty tricks to take advantage of Mrs. Carnahan's substantial legislative inexperience," fumed Chief of Staff Ed Trimchopper.

In response, Bond turned beet red, pounded his fists on a podium, and accused Democrats of trying to register newts, armadillos and grasshoppers as voters. An "outrage," the state's senior Republican thundered before his substantial head exploded.

Bond's not the only one getting blame. Some Carnahan supporters say House Minority Leader Dick Gephardt failed to intercept the GOP amendment because he didn't want to look like a peacenik. "Once again, Dick's a flaccid wiener," quipped a top Carnahan campaign official.

The Republican move to neutralize Missouri's First Widow could backfire, given that she's likely to finish what Papa Bush wouldn't.

A skilled marksman as an infant, Carnahan recently showcased her ability with a shotgun at a recent skeet shoot in Braggadocio. She pulverized more than 500,000 clay targets before getting bored and turning on nearby livestock.

Carnahan, the Worm's learned, has always had a thing for firepower and carries an M-1 Garand in her oversized panties.

Unleashed in Baghdad, there's just no telling what the Rolla Mama will do.

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