With the coronavirus swiping right all over the place, things aren’t looking so hot for singles in your area. But if you’re missing that human connection, have you considered looking at the single in ... your very own area, the immediate living space around you, what one could call the homerogenous zone? Don’t laugh. Or do, actually, because who is going to judge you? Wouldn’t that be just peachy, a relationship without judgment and doubt?
Read Harry Potter fanfic and reenact the scenes on TikTok. Sing shower songs outside of the shower. Delight in your own creativity, practice compliments and remember those anniversaries — “Oh, honey bear, I can’t believe it’s already been an entire week,” you’ll say, glowing as you open an Amazon package of exotic Kit Kat flavors you forgot you ordered a week ago. Model your own best relationship habits: Let yourself know you’ve done good when you cooked a hell of a meal or just microwaved those pizza rolls exactly how you like them — just like another charming person might do, someday, hopefully, when this all ends. But until then, in this crazy world of presidential bleach treatments and QAnon, is it so crazy to think that a fulfilling relationship might be lurking behind that handsome face you glimpse in the mirror every morning?
C’mon, give yourself a wink one of these days, what would be the worst that happens? Look yourself in the eye, then quickly down, and up, and say, confidentially, “Dat ass.” Look, it’s not narcissism if you’re literally the only person you have access to; think of it as rom-com where you play both leads, with strong contributions from your favorite houseplant or, ideally, a friendly pet, because A) they can’t talk over you and B) none of them will ever try to convince you that masks are turning the vaccinated frogs gay. Next year, hopefully, there will be a world again. In the meantime — hey, did you just wink at yourself? Nice. — Danny Wicentowski