If you prefer your music super-sized: Tired of being chained to that treadmill, undergoing countless wheatgrass colonics and eating nothing but hearty bowls of air? Join hip-hop heavyweight Russell Simmons when his Official Phat Farm Club Tour thrusts and lunges into St. Louis. DJ Tayrok will help you work it on out at the Loft (3112 Olive Boulevard, 314-225-2505 or www.theloftstl. com) at 9 p.m. Thursday, April 27. The first 100 ladies through the doors receive free admission (excluding, we assume, soon-to-be-ex-wife Kimora Lee), with no preliminary weigh-ins required.
In other hip-hop news: Slam Poetry scion Marc Kelly Smith's brand of open-mic anarchy paved the way for free-form expression in such pursuits as (how coincidental!) Russell Simmons' Def Poetry Jam and, uh, MTV's Miss Seventeen. Smith travels from Chicago to unravel in St. Louis alongside St. Louis' own experimental hip-hop band, Jupiter Jazz. Come to Off Broadway (3509 Lemp Avenue, 314-773-3363 or www.offbroadwaystl.com) at 9 p.m. Saturday, April 29. Tickets are $6 online, $8 at the door. It'll be slammin'.
And the antithesis of hip-hop: Ahh, the classic St. Louis question: "So, where'd you go to high school?" If the answer is anywhere in the Hazelwood School District, you and your fellow Hawks, Spartans and Wildcats are invited to Hazelwood Party Night at Here's Johnny's (1322 Sunburst Drive, O'Fallon, 636-474-1322 or www.heresjohnnys.com) at 8 p.m. Saturday, April 29. A DJ will be on hand to play "Livin' on a Prayer" and other prom staples to help you reminisce about all those gr8 summers spent with your BFFs.