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10 Bad Things That Will Happen in 2017: A Modest Prediction

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2016 sucked wang, and not in a fun way. Will 2017 be better, like it was back when America was great, or worse, like when a "wealthy" circus peanut cosplaying as a human being was grabbing pussy left and right? Following a rigorous course of spiritual cleanses and violent refusals to shower, the man who won $10 betting on a Trump victory emerges from his haze of black metal and German Christmas cookie crumbs to offer predictions for the new year.

Spoiler Alert: That man is me.

1. Trump dies before March ... leaving Mike "Puritan" Pence in charge.

2. The Rams win the Super Bowl. Kroenke accepts the trophy while puking into a decapitated Fredbird's open mouth.

3. The surviving Rolling Stones team up to kill Ringo ... but he takes out all of them before succumbing to his wounds, leaving a devastated Paul McCartney to reflect on the end of the Stones vs. Beatles debate.

4. Adele goes modern country.

5. John Ashcroft sings a medley of bowdlerized Bowie songs at the inauguration.

6. Robert McCulloch doesn't run for the St. Louis mayor job, but he somehow wins the position nevertheless.

7. New food trends: '50s-style recipes (think meat jell-o molds and hot dog charcuterie as main courses); heirloom porridge; deconstructed TV dinners; bad sitcom-themed restaurants (Two and a Half Naan, Kevin Can Steak, Family Gyro, etc).

8. Neil DeGrasse Tyson suffers aneurysm pondering Rogue One space fight physics; Bill Nye dies in suspicious circumstances similar to Bob Crane's murder; Stephen Hawking transforms into one-man spacecraft and departs for a kinder galaxy.

9. A new type of weaponized ringtone is developed that can be heard through time and space.

10. ISIS endorses the Mike Pence for President 2020 campaign.

See also: 13 Reasons 2016 Didn't Suck After All

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