Bradford pear trees are an arboreal obscenity whose seminal odor assaults non-consenting noses with an emission that disrupts the senses and fouls the air. (It smells like semen.) But even if the trees smelled like menthol and lavender they would still deserve removal in Missouri.

That's because they're an invasive species that displaces native plants which otherwise provide crucial resources to caterpillars and other wildlife. They grow quickly and produce brittle branches that break easily in the wind.



Basically, they're the worst, and to aid in a worthy effort of elimination, the Missouri Invasive Plant Task Force is offering to replace any of the "terrible" smelling trees you cut down with one that doesn't smell like rank spooge.

For your efforts, and at least one photo of each Bradford pear tree you fell — remember, these have to be your trees, so settle down there, Jizzy Paul Bunyan — you can select one native or non-invasive tree, for free, courtesy of the Forest ReLeaf and Forrest Keeling Nursery.



In return for the righteous whacking, participants can select from thirteen tree replacements.


According to the event page, participants must also reserve a time slot to pick up their trees from Forest Releaf between 3 p.m. and 7 p.m. on April 20. The replacement trees will be potted in three-gallon containers and will stand between four and five feet tall.

For more information on the buy back, tips for effectively removing a tree, and a resource of frequently asked questions, check out the Missouri Invasive Plant Task Force.

In summary:


Follow Danny Wicentowski on Twitter at @D_Towski. E-mail the author at Danny.Wicentowski@RiverfrontTimes.com

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