Polar Vortex Will Make St. Louis Weather Colder Than a Snowman's Balls Next Week

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Winter is wintery once again in the St. Louis area, as the last two weekends have seen the region blanketed in snow, rendering our grocery stores devoid of milk and eggs while simultaneously ensuring Art Hill is the the most happening spot in town.

That's all well and good — after all, St. Louis looks great dressed in white. But next week a polar vortex (the best name for one of the worst weather events) will push temperatures in the region into bitter cold, icy-as-Frosty's-testicles territory.



The National Weather Service says the arctic air will push into the region next Tuesday through Thursday, bringing temperatures in the single digits — even falling to below zero in some areas — with wind chill temperatures even lower still. It's set to be the coldest weather to hit the St. Louis area since the winter of 2014.

We may have to wait until Tuesday to hit those temps, but the interim won't be a walk in the park either, unless that park is in Alaska or something. Local forecasters are already warning of frosty temperatures in the single digits tonight, with some talk of possible snowfall on Friday.




In other words, you're going to want to bunker down for the next several days. Don't bother going outside; it is a frozen tundra devoid of life. Stay inside, play video games, hug your pets. Tip your food delivery drivers like a motherfucker. Maybe start planning now how you're going to cope with the stupid Superbowl next week.

And of course, heed the words of the internet's best weatherman, Frankie: Stock up on Coke and Pepsi now.
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