Florissant Family Cheats Death in Spite of Vengeful God's Furious Hell Storm

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VIA FOX 2'S REPORT
  • VIA FOX 2'S REPORT
The vengeful, Old Testament God, best-known for once flooding the entire world and also for encouraging huge swaths of people to chop portions of their dicks off, made an appearance in the St. Louis area yesterday and really jacked some shit up, hurling lightning bolts and entire trees at the Earth as His terrified creation looked on.

One family squarely in the path of His anger narrowly avoided catastrophe when an uprooted tree smashed into a car containing a man and his children.



"I was driving down the street and this tree fell on my car," Samuel Segilola of Florissant tells the Post-Dispatch. "It was a surreal experience. I am here, I am alive."

Segilola was traveling down Riverview Drive in north St. Louis county near Lookaway Drive when the angry Old Testament God characteristically overreacted to some perceived slight and split a tree in twain with His righteous fury. According to Fox 2, one large branch of the tree took out a power line. Another landed on Segilola's car.



"I watched this tree falling and I hit my brake as hard as I can," Segilola tells Fox 2. "Tree hit the top of my car, me and my kids — they were a little rattled. But once I calmed the situation down, I realized that we need to get out the car and we need to move because we were in a dangerous situation still."

A neighbor on the street witnessed the incident and quickly came to the family's aid, Fox 2 reports, and they rode out the rest of the storm in that neighbor's house.

No word at this time as to what got Old Testament God so worked up, but sources suspect it was "probably because somebody refused to eat their own children or some shit."

Peaceful hippie New Testament God could not be reached for comment.
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