Ballwin Cop's Smartass Weekly Dispatches Are a Local Treasure

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"This one adequately captures my 'what the hell' look," Burgoyne wrote when sending over this photo. - PHOTO PROVIDED BY OFFICER MICHAEL BURGOYNE
  • PHOTO PROVIDED BY OFFICER MICHAEL BURGOYNE
  • "This one adequately captures my 'what the hell' look," Burgoyne wrote when sending over this photo.
In the early morning hours of Sunday, March 11, Ballwin police officers were called out to an apartment complex to respond to a noise disturbance. The situation wound up being benign; it was, in fact, just a couple loudly having sex.

Or, as the Ballwin PD put it in the department's weekly roundup, "It was discovered that a couple was consensually loving one another at a high level of volume." Luckily for all involved, "the couple agreed to love more quietly, to avoid future complaints."

The desert-dry delivery coupled with the sordid nature of the incident were quickly noted by the internet at large, and soon enough a screenshot of the short blurb was circulating on social media. Just like that, it was a viral hit.

You can thank Officer Michael Burgoyne for that. A patrol cop with five years' experience, two of them in Ballwin after a stint in the Kansas City area, Burgoyne, 30, has been writing the department's weekly round-ups since October. The couple loudly loving one another is just one of the oft-hilarious dispatches he's delivered.

"I just kinda write what I think in my head normally," Burgoyne, who describes himself as a "smartass," tells RFT. "I think it makes a few people nervous sometimes at city hall, but so far it's gotten a pretty good response."

The roundups tend to follow a formula. On a typical week there will be three to four items that play it straight, informing the public about recent calls the PD responded to and explaining how the situation played out.

But then comes at least one "kicker" story, usually following the words "and finally," that allows Burgoyne to flex his comedy muscles.

That loud couple was one such kicker. Here are some more of our favorites:
An officer observed a suspicious vehicle in the rear of Ballwin Athletic's parking lot after hours. The officer contacted the two occupants of the vehicle who were found in the rear seat attempting to "stay warm." With the cold coming, we sincerely hope these individuals find more efficient ways of finding heat. Wearing all the clothes that you came to the parking lot with would probably be the best start.
Officers responded to complaints of solicitors in the area of Clear Meadows. It is unknown what they were trying to sell, but we are certain it was not doughnuts as our office is right up the street and they didn’t bother to visit us. Solicitors are required to obtain a license at City Hall before going door to door. These individuals were advised of the ordinance and left the area.
Officer Treaster responded to the area of Big Bend and Arbor Haven regarding a complaint of a traffic hazard. After a frightening confrontation, it was determined that the items were placed on common ground and were transported back to the police station for safekeeping. If you are the owner of three skulls, a tow hook with chains, and a floating killer clown head please come pick up your items.
An officer responded to a local car wash in regards to a report of a motorist trapped inside it. The officer was able to assist the driver out of the wash without incident. We didn’t even have to call our firefighter friends over at Metro West Fire Protection District, St. Louis County Missouri for extrication and disturb their nap time.
Officers discovered a man down in the area of Park and Holloway. Officers observed the man passed out, with a can of air duster pressed to his lips. After officers woke the man up, he advised that he was not "huffing," he simply fell asleep with a can of air duster by his face. We have rated this lie a .08 out of 10 on the believe-ability scale, and have filed the report appropriately. The man was transported to a local hospital in regards.

Burgoyne says he simply goes through the department's dispatch log at the end of each week and looks for calls he can riff on. He says the good people of Ballwin give him plenty of material to work with.

"As long as I've been a cop, no matter where you are, something goofy happens," he says. "I could probably do it every day, almost."

Burgoyne, who says he wanted to be an officer since he was three years old, believes the department's weekly dispatches are a useful tool for the community, and his playful tone is part of that.

"We just want to make them realize that we try to work with them and we put everything out there so they know what's going on in their community," he says.

"And I think, personally, bringing a little humor with it helps them realize that we're people too," he adds. "Sometimes people kinda think we're robots."

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