Forget violent crime, failing public schools, a history of redlining and segregation or a crumbling infrastructure — Fox 2 News knows what is really ailing St. Louis, and that is hipsters.
On Thursday afternoon the station used its Facebook page to conduct a survey of its followers, asking the question on everyone's minds: "WHAT IS THE BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH ST. LOUIS?" (Caps lock theirs.) The poll gave four possible answers as options: "CRIME," "EDUCATION," "PROBLEM?" and the real subject of every St. Louisan's ire, "HIPSTERS."
Facebook users were asked to vote on the matter by using different "reactions." At the time of this writing crime holds a commanding lead, for some reason, with more than 2,700 votes. Hipsters come in at second with 435 votes, education has 321 and "PROBLEM?" a mere 45.
Why so many deluded voters would pick crime over hipsters we may never know; being robbed or murdered or whatever is not nearly as bad as having to look at those fucking horn-rimmed glasses —
No thank you with that neon bullshit too, and obviously anyone with half a brain would rather be mugged or beaten than have to endure even one track by the likes of Washed Out or Toro Y Moi. Get right out of here with that hipster bullshit.
One commenter named Meg Elizabeth agrees with our sentiments. "You mean the hipsters moving back to the city and trying to rebuild it? Yeah they suck," she writes concisely. "The fact I work in a school where students get wanded in by police for the safety of others...yeah forget that! Hipsters are what's wrong with the city!"
Another commenter, Ben Petot, expressed his appreciation that Fox 2 was focusing on the real issues affecting our fair town: "Glad you made that joke about hipsters. Lol. So sensitive to the 6 people who were shot yesterday in STL. But you guys are still cracking jokes. Hahahaha hipsters are so bad...."
Patti Tompkins Bourland agrees as well: "Get rid of the DUMOCRATS and LIBTARDS and it would be a good place." (DUMOCRATS and LIBTARDS are just different words for "hipsters," as everyone knows.)
This is only one example of Fox 2 News tackling the tough questions that no other news organization in town is even willing to touch. In recent weeks the station has also asked Facebook users "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT MONDAYS?" and "WHAT ARE YOUR MOST USED EMOJIS?" Important things that weigh heavy on the mind of every conscientious St. Louisan.
Keep up the good work, Fox 2. And remember: Watch out for those damned hipsters!