Pro-Cubs Cardinals Fans Are Traitorous Scum


Do not, we repeat, do not join this crew. - PHOTO COURTESY OF FLICKR/ QMECHANIC
  • Photo courtesy of Flickr/ qmechanic
  • Do not, we repeat, do not join this crew.
Ever since the Chicago Cubs' very unfortunate World Series victory last night, some deeply misguided Cardinals fans, in an apparent show of good-natured Midwestern civility, have taken to social media to congratulate the team that is usually thought of as our most bitter rival. This is a very bad thing.

As St. Louisans, it is our civic duty to hate the Chicago Cubs. It is a part of our very culture. It is Imo's pizza; it is the Arch itself. The traitorous cordiality with which some Cardinals fans, in a misguided effort to live up to a meaningless "best fans in baseball" label, are treating the team today threatens to unravel the very fabric of who we are.

Have we forgotten the great home run race of 1998? Mark McGwire gladly turned his body's bloodstream into a mad scientist's experiment, all in the name of vanquishing Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa. He sacrificed his very health for this war. For us. And now we tarnish our local hero's otherwise-unblemished legacy by congratulating the very enemy he fought so bravely against?

Have we forgotten about Hack Wilson's Riot of 1928? Wilson, a brutish, classless Cub, jumped into the box seats at Wrigley field to accost a Cards fan who was dutifully heckling him — a true St. Louisan, one of us. Now, suddenly this behavior is acceptable? Emphatically, the answer is "no."

Have we forgotten about poor William Sianis, originator of the Cubs Curse? Or his beloved goat, Murphy, whose only crime was loving the Cubs while smelling a lot like shit? Doesn't seem like the Cubs organization has a problem with that kinda thing anymore anyway, what with its stinky, ugly fans and all. (See, that's the kinda shade we are supposed to be throwing. Take note.)

What's next? We bury the hatchet with Stan Kroenke? "No problem sir, enjoy LA!" Perish the thought.

No. We must stand united, now and forever, against the wretched Cubs organization and its depraved fan base. A pox on them! No mercy for our enemies! And no congratulations from us!

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