10 Headlines We Fully Expect to See After Joe Biden's Trip to St. Louis Today

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PHOTO COURTESY OF FLICKR/WEST POINT THE U.S. MILITARY ACADEMY
Joe Biden is coming to speak at the Pageant on behalf of the Jason Kander campaign this afternoon — which got us thinking: What other mischief could Uncle Joe cook up while visiting St. Louis?

Here are ten headlines we can't wait to see in the Post-Dispatch tomorrow.

1. Biden Spotted Doing Donuts in '67 Corvette at Gateway Motorsports Park Lot 

"Just felt a need for speed," Veep explains

2. Park Rangers Arrest Joe Biden for Scalping Tickets to "Arch Basement"
"That's where they keep the cool shit," he allegedly tells tourists

3. Shirtless Joe Biden Ejected from Hustler Club Twice in Same Afternoon
"Your Champagne room is bullshit!" he screams from back of cop car

4. Francis Slay and Joe Biden Had to Be Separated by Secret Service
Vice President kept asking, "You still got Pee-Wee's bike, Fraaan-cis?"

5. Joe Biden Locks Himself into KSHE Booth 
"Here comes five hours of commercial-free Foghat," he shouts into desk lamp 

6. Biden Kicked Off Anheuser-Busch Tour for Trying to Ride Clydesdale 
"Our policy is to never over-serve our guests, but he changed into new clothes from the gift shop and slipped by," tour guide says. 

7. VP Biden Returns Band's Guitars, Touring Van, Bassist 
"Didn't know these Strats were spoken for, but I left some Mickey D's on the dash to settle things."

8. Biden Barred from Entering Tony's
"I told you, these cut-offs used to be a suit, goddammit!"

9. Joe Biden Told "Your Money's No Good" at Over/Under Bar
"He said if he sees that shitbird Kroenke he's gonna punch his teeth out of that asshole he calls a mouth," says bar manager

10. FOUND! VP Biden Was at Stagger Inn for Past 68 Hours
"Uncle Joe needed to blow off a little steam is all," he tells wife Jill in tearful phone call


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