Hey Missouri, Here's the License Plate We've Been Waiting For



Missouri's current license plates have all the charm of Jefferson City, only in two dimensions (which is one more than Jeff City has). There's an outline of the state (it's a mnemonic device for our dumbest citizens), two very faint, entangled ribbons of taupe that are supposed to signify our rivers, and a enormous bluebird that seems to be perched somewhere in central Arkansas.

But the Department of Revenue wants to change them, and it's looking for your input on the new design. (What a crazy goddamn state — you can't vote on using public money for sports stadia, but you get to weigh on in dumb license plates.) What crap-ass combination of birds and water will we end up with this time?

Let's leave the flora and fauna out of this. If we really want to show the rest of the country what we're all about, we should go for that sepia-tinted parchment used in old "Wanted" posters, and the font should be nothing but bullet holes. Because let's face it — by the time we get these new plates, many of us will have a couple bullet holes in our cars or bodies, thanks to the NRA ... I mean, thanks to our well-compensated state legislature.

We have gubernatorial candidates flexing their gunmuscles in ads while challengers for the U.S. Senate show off their own gunz skillz blindfolded. And why not? Guns are all that's holding this state together.

We argue about Obamacare, and abortion, and whether it's black lives that matter or if all lives matter, but we all agree that we love guns. Let's face it; the only reason the NRA endorsed the Democrat for governor is that they already own the Republican. Why not keep 'em both asking for more? As proof, look at SB 656, which legislators enshrined into law this fall, overriding a gubernatorial veto. Bipartisanship! 

As for its significance, let's put it this way: If SB 656 had been passed a year earlier, St. Louis' standoff with Stan Kroenke could have been an armed standoff — and no one ever loses an armed standoff. That's just one example off the top of my head.

So imagine how successful we're gonna be when we're all packing heat. We'll all be be stronger, and safer, and happier with guns in our lives. There is literally no way this could backfire on us. At the very least, if we go with a gun theme on our license plates, it'll be fair warning to all other states that we own these roads.

Speaking of warnings: Black Missourians, you might want to opt out of these new license plates. The last time a group of black Americans showed up in public openly carrying their guns, a GOP lawmaker rammed gun control though a state legislature so fast you'd think he was a Democrat. Ronald Reagan signed that bill into law with the help of the NRA — what a world.

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