An Open Letter to the Deer of St. Louis County

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Hey deer. Yes, you. Drop that vacant expression and listen up. - SHUTTERSTOCK.COM/ JANUSZ PIENKOWSKI
  • Shutterstock.com/ Janusz Pienkowski
  • Hey deer. Yes, you. Drop that vacant expression and listen up.

Dear Deer,

For years St. Louis has been doing the same song and dance with you: You eat out of our gardens and we drive you away; you run in front of our cars and we hit you. It's a simple, yet infinitely frustrating pattern — the very definition of insanity for both the affected parties. Our coexistence is so dysfunctional, it's become a leading cause of vehicular accidents in west county, and almost certainly the No. 1 reason for the decline of domestic flowers in our local gardens.

That's why we are writing you today. We are going to put this in the absolute nicest way possible: You need to get the fuck out.

That's right: It's time to go. Your time is up. We'll admit it's been a good run. Many St. Louis county residents have enjoyed the bucolic sight of a doe and her fawns lingering in their backyards (sooo pretty!). However, even more have had to endure the broken headlights and trauma that comes with children seeing the slaughter of a 240-pound critter eviscerated at 60 mph. It isn't pretty. 

So drop that vacant expression. You are not welcome here. You need to become someone else's problem.

The first issue we have is with your recklessness. Loitering on the side of the road at night is one thing, but when it is pitch black outside, you can't run in front of a moving car and then stop suddenly right in front of the headlights. We aren't trying to play a game of chicken with you; we are trying to get home.

And what's even more baffling is that you don't wait five seconds for the car to pass — you take off right as we're coming. WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS? Is this a fun game for you to see who can cross the road and escape death? And what possible reason could you ever have for trying to play frogger across 141? Are you suicidal? We can get you a phone number for a hotline if you need it. There are other solutions beyond trying to take out entire minivans in a Tarantino-style bloodbath.

And that's not to mention the way you've become overly confident in your ability to walk through our world. Gen Xers may recall when you were timid, a beautiful specimen glimpsed from afar as you stood poised near a wooded pass. Millennials know you as a bold intruder striding through parking lots, freeways, even homes. Remember the police standoff with one of your ilk in Home Depot? It took three rounds to take you down. Why were you even there? You surely didn't need light bulbs and a circular saw. No, you just saw all those people in one place and had show off your big ol' deer balls by joining right in.

But if we're being honest, what's been most frustrating about you is your unwillingness to practice safe sex. No other population in America is breeding like you do in 2016. What are you, Catholic? Pull out, dammit!

Faced with your unwillingness to do the responsible thing and voluntarily limit yourself to a one-child policy, some St. Louis counties have even implemented a yearly "culling." Do you know what "culling" is, deer? It's a term we had to create so that we don't have to keep saying we're going to genocide your ass. Yeah, while you were eating our flowers and upsetting our dogs, we were meeting in the town hall to organize a purge. And what's most embarrassing is that our turn to violence isn't even fixing the problem. You've turned us into raging killers and you're still everywhere we're trying to grow produce.

So this is it. We may have been raised on Bambi, but we're grown up enough to separate a cartoon deer from a herd of animals with a clear death wish. Nobody feels sorry for you any more (OK, some people still care enough to hold candlelight vigils for your clueless species — and honestly, you can take them with you when you go). The majority of us have seen too many front bumper replacements and cracked windshields to feel bad about anything at this point.

So with the least due respect possible, get the hell out of west county. We don't care where you go. If you want to increase St. Charles County's deer problem, be our guest. If you want migrate down to Fenton and Arnold, it's not recommended, but knock yourselves out. If you all just want to walk into the Mississippi, we'll drive you.

This town just isn't big enough for the both of us. And we were here first.

Oh, wait ...


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