April Fools' News: Five St. Louis Headlines Too Crazy For Real Life

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It's OK, the editors didn't know what "carpet eater" really meant.
  • It's OK, the editors didn't know what "carpet eater" really meant.

April Fools' Day is a holiday created by and for manipulative jerks; it's a day when lying to your friend's face is acceptable and causing minor property damage is just the price of doing business. Indeed, today is a the day when interpersonal trust takes a long lunch break.

So, obviously, we want in on the action. But on the other hand, every year some tone-deaf media outlet -- usually a college paper -- tries to be edgy and cool for April Fools', and ends up being sexist. Hell, even regular pranksters screw it up with racism. Or more racism.

So, to be clear: The news stories below are not real, because they are fake. They are double, no, triple fake with a side of lies. With that out of the way: Happy April Fools' Day, suckas!

See also: Happy April Fools' Day! Top Ten Missouri Pranks Gone Wrong (PHOTOS)

5. With apologies to Jon Hamm...

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4. At least there's free cable...

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Continue for more April Fools fakery.

3. No menu needed...

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2. Would anyone really be mad?

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1. Ready for some football...?

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Follow Danny Wicentowski on Twitter at @D_Towski. E-mail the author at Danny.Wicentowski@RiverfrontTimes.com

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