April Fools' Day is a holiday created by and for manipulative jerks; it's a day when lying to your friend's face is acceptable and causing minor property damage is just the price of doing business. Indeed, today is a the day when interpersonal trust takes a long lunch break.
So, obviously, we want in on the action. But on the other hand, every year some tone-deaf media outlet -- usually a college paper -- tries to be edgy and cool for April Fools', and ends up being sexist. Hell, even regular pranksters screw it up with racism. Or more racism.
So, to be clear: The news stories below are not real, because they are fake. They are double, no, triple fake with a side of lies. With that out of the way: Happy April Fools' Day, suckas!
See also: Happy April Fools' Day! Top Ten Missouri Pranks Gone Wrong (PHOTOS)
5. With apologies to Jon Hamm...
4. At least there's free cable...
Continue for more April Fools fakery.
3. No menu needed...
2. Would anyone really be mad?
1. Ready for some football...?