Five inmates at a prison in Idaho have sued Anheuser-Busch, along with several other alcoholic beverage producers, claiming that had they only known that alcohol is addictive, they wouldn't have touched the stuff.
Instead, delicious Budweiser and Michelob ruined their lives and made them do a string of awful things for which they were caught and are currently serving time for.
They would like $1 billion, please and thank you.
The plaintiffs -- Keith Allen Brown, Steven J. Thompson, Woodrow J. Grant, Cory A. Baugh and Jeremy J. Brown -- wrote the complaint themselves and don't have lawyers. They're blaming A-B, Coors, Miller, Gallo Wineries and the makers of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo, Stolichnaya Vodka, Southern Comfort, Canadian Mist and Korbels Brandy.
"This case is about the failure of the named defendants to have any type of label on the product that they sell to the general public, that advises the general public that they are purchasing and that they are consuming a product that is habit forming or is addictive," the suit reads.
Each of the five men also submitted an affidavit detailing their lives of addiction and crimes, calling alcohol a "gateway drug" that lead them down a path of destruction. Each earnestly stresses that they could have had totally different lives if there were simply a warning label on booze.
Here's what Jeremy Brown had to say:
In 2001, while I was consuming alcohol, and while I was under the influence of alcohol, I was involved in a shooting incident in which a man was very seriously injured. I entered a guilty plea to this shooting, but if I was not an alcoholic, the shooting would never have happened...I have been continuously incarcerated since the shooting incident in 2001. Not one day goes by that I do not crave alcohol. I dream about drinking alcohol.
The complaint strikes an optimistic note, saying this has the potential to be the "largest legal action ever filed in the United States," comparing it to the Big Tobacco lawsuits. What a delicious thought -- if this went anywhere it would be absolutely mind-blowing.
What do you think -- would a jury have to be drunk to take this thing seriously?
Here's the main complaint, after the jump a couple of the plaintiffs' affidavits: