Ten Surprises in the Upcoming Tony La Russa Memoir

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This guy wrote a book. Go and get it, immediately. 
  • This guy wrote a book. Go and get it, immediately. 
In case you haven't heard, good news, everyone! Tony La Russa has written a memoir, called "One Last Strike: Fifty Years in Baseball, Ten and a Half Games Back, and One Final Championship Season" that will be released on the 25th of September. It's already getting some serious awards buzz, most notably in the category of Most Clumsily and Unnecessarily Long Subtitle. 

Obviously, if you happen to be any kind of baseball fan, specifically a Cardinal fan, you'll likely stop at nothing to read the musings of one of the most enigmatic and admired managers in the history of the game. We here at the RFT certainly didn't stop at anything; we had to bribe several dock workers, three UPS drivers, and one literary agent's housekeeper, mostly with a variety of sexual favors (we're all super sore), but we managed to get our grubby (not to mention sticky; see above), little hands on a copy of this masterpiece. And what we found inside was surprising.

Here are the ten biggest, most surprising of the surprises we were surprised by:

10.) Dusty Baker is told to, quote, 'suck it' no less than 74 times. Three chapters are also entitled, "Why Dusty Baker Can Suck It." It's mentioned as the working title, too.

9.) The mullet from his early days in St. Louis was actually grown when he was still hoping to get his first choice job: roadie for Foreigner. (Cardinal manager was number two.)

8.) In order to get the full experience of being inside La Russa's mind, a pair of nighttime sunglasses is included with the book. The glasses also cause temporary paranoid delusions, making the wearer believe they need something called nighttime sunglasses.

7.) Albert Pujols doesn't actually have an accent. He just really, really likes the letter G.

6.) David Freese's home run in Game Six is referred to as, "pants-shittingly awesome," and "bonerific." Actually, pardon me, Bonerific. It's capitalized every time. And usually in italics.

5.) He's always thought the Birds on the Bat logo would be cooler if the birds were doing it. And one of them had a ball gag in its beak.

4.) When really, really drunk, Mike Shannon is completely understandable. Kind of sounds like James Mason, actually.

3.) The two chapters on Aaron Miles contain the word soulmate 32 times, several of which are scribbled in the margins inside a heart.

2.) Chapters seven through nine are each written by a different relief author, chosen solely on the basis of handedness in order to match up against the reader better.

1.) You know what? He's always thought animals are actually kind of smelly and loud. On the other hand, they are super delicious.

Sure, the copy we got may have been bound in what appears to be part of an old pizza box with a handwritten title, and several of our staffers are still waking up screaming because of what we had to do to get it, but we think it was totally worth the effort. It's a good read.

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