Screw Your Jumping Jacks, Pat Conway

by

comment
Dozens of these litter my personal swanktuary.
  • Dozens of these litter my personal swanktuary.
Fired Up Missouri recently pointed out some of the more inane bills proposed by our state legislature, and HB 1063, proposed by Rep. Pat Conway (D-St. Joe) is particularly egregious.

And I quote, "HB 1063 designates the exercise known as 'jumping jacks' as the official state exercise."

Jumping jacks? JUMPING JACKS?!

Rep. Conway, I'm a four-time winner of the President's Council on Physical Fitness award in this very state. I know jumping jacks. I've done jumping jacks. You, jumping jacks, are no sort of exercise.

In fact, in winning my four consecutive President's Council on Physical Fitness Awards, I seem to recall that jumping jacks were not part of the test -- they were what we did to warm up for the actual exercise. A little research confirms that they aren't part of the official criteria for minimum fitness. Hanging from a bar, however, is.

In other words, the 'jacks aren't even good enough for the Federal government, and if there's a lazier group of people in the country than them I'd like to see 'em.

Missouri is a proud, midwestern state. I acknowledge that the reasoning behind your bill, which is that this ersatz exercise was invented by native son General John J. Pershing, honors a bit of that heritage. It's a weird and empty sort of honor, but whatever -- on this side of the state we named a highway after Mark McGwire. But we can do better than this.

Push-ups, man. Let's make it push-ups. That shit is manly.

Tags

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Riverfront Times Club for as little as $5 a month.