by Sarah Fenske
Where to begin with the story of Lorenzo Pollard -- a petty criminal who managed Friday to join the growing number of inmates who've escaped from the city jail?
Should we begin with the fact that the 31-year-old Pollard supposedly held off "more than a dozen" correctional officers, per the superb write-up of the incident from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's Jennifer Mann?
Or how about the fact that he supposedly escaped the officers pursuing him by climbing a wall, breaking through glass block and then scaling a pair of fences armed with barbed wire and razor?
Or how about the fact he was using nunchucks?
Yes indeedy, Lorenzo Pollard apparently shares a weapon of choice with Michelangelo of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles -- fashioning nunchucks from, yes, "bed sheets and a chair." How is that even possible?? And how, after that, is it even possible to keep "more than a dozen officers" at bay while you whip your homemade nunchucks around -- and then scale a wall, break a man-sized hole into glass block and climb two barbed-wire fences??
We couldn't help but recall that an inmate escaped from the city jail in June when he walked through an open gate. Two guards were suspended after that incident.
Is it possible, perhaps, that the "more than a dozen" guards who were supposedly overwhelmed by Lorenzo Pollard were just covering their asses after another one escaped their clutches? (More spectacularly, a pair of inmates recently busted out of the St. Louis Justice Center after slithering through a ceiling crawl space, then busting out a window.) We're not saying Pollard just sauntered out the door in this case, but we have to admit to being a tad skeptical of the amazing superpowers reported by the guards here -- especially since he was arrested just a few days later while he was blithely walking down the street. Pollard supposedly held off more than a dozen corrections officers in close quarters. Why couldn't he have at least thrown out a few karate moves as the Long Arm of the Law moved in on him?
Still, presuming everybody's telling the truth here and Lorenzo Pollard is the Ultimate Badass, we couldn't help but guffaw at this humdinger of quote from Mayor Francis Slay, who placed the jail's corrections commissioner on suspension after Pollard's escape. "The current system in the jails is unacceptable," quoth the mayor, per the P-D story. "Keeping the prisoners inside the jails is the barest minimum requirement, and it has not been met."
We can't argue with anything he's saying. But the fact that it even needs to be said at all -- "keeping the prisoners inside the jails is the barest minimum requirement" -- is crazy!
Speaking of crazy: In honor of a Pollard's dramatic jail break on Friday, a little nunchuck action for your viewing pleasure. Now just imagine a dozen-plus guards and a dramatic climb up a wall, over two fences and out into the wild. It's the stuff movies are made of. Lorenzo Pollard, do you have an agent?