Cardinals: A Humble Suggestion for This Season's "Mobil on the Run" Song


The good folks at Mobil on the Run have given us some notable pieces of advertisement over the past couple years, but I have yet to see a new commercial from them this baseball season, regarding the number six or any other numbers, serious or otherwise. 

To which I say: bunk! We need cheap drinks and we need catchy ditties to tell us about them! Please, Mobil on the Run, do not forsake us in our time of need! (Or perhaps time of thirst. Hmm. Which do you guys like better?) 

I have a suggestion to remedy this situation, in fact, and it won't even cost the price of an original song and commercial being made. For reference, here's the original advert which started the whole thing off way back in the crazy days of 2009: 

Oh, sure. It was a little annoying at first, yes. And sure, the white dude is kind of creepy. But tell me you don't miss hearing that commercial now. Go ahead. Look me in the eye and say you don't get a little warm and fuzzy hearing that song and recalling that long-ago summer, when you probably fell in love for the first time, or bought a new lawnmower, or went through some other equally momentous life experience. You say you still don't miss it? Then you're obviously lying. No other explanation. 

Then, there was last summer's wretched, countrified abortion of a commercial: 

Alright, now tell me you don't miss the first one. Uh-huh. That's what I thought. 

This year, though, nothing. And that just sucks. How am I supposed to know how much beverages cost in relation to key offensive benchmarks? It's madness! 

Well, I've got the solution. It will require a little adjustment to the paradigm, though. See, looking at the Cardinals' run totals so far this season, I'm going to make an executive decision and put the cutoff number for cheap drinks at three runs, rather than six. I mean, let's face facts. The Cards have yet to score more than three runs in a ballgame yet in 2011, all while facing some decidedly mediocre pitchers. Six runs just isn't a realistic goal for this team, and it's only going to piss people off. So, three runs becomes the new serious number for this year. 

Except 'serious number' no longer really sounds quite right, does it? Without the alliteration, 'serious' really doesn't seem to work all that well. Unfortunately, there aren't a whole lot of options that begin with th-, either. Three is the thirstiest number? Maybe. It certainly gets across the notion of drinks being associated with the number. But, it also sounds incredibly stupid. So, no dice there. 

But then, an answer came to me from on high. Rarely in my life have I been given such glorious clarity. If I were a religious man, I would have fallen down on my knees and shouted out to the glory of god. Not being that sort, though, I simply forgot to look where I was going and fell down the stairs to the basement. Still, that's a fairly religious experience for me, so I'll take it. 

Mobil on the Run, here's your new song for 2011, courtesy of my epiphany and the greatest thing to ever happen to Saturday morning cartoons: 

Now that makes me want a soda. Or a frozen beverage. Or a cup of some sort of coffee I can't recall the name of at the moment. Tell me you wouldn't want to hear this on the radio or the television during Cardinal broadcasts. You can't, because it's literally impossible to not love. 

Or, if you wanted to go with something a bit more recent, the Blind Melon remake of the song is pretty sweet, too, though it's also a little sad 'cause the singer killed himself and that bee girl is probably a bitter mother of four by now and sometimes when you think about what your life is like now compared to when you were a teenager a red haze fills your vision and a huge soft voice tells you the only way to make it all right is to burn it all to the ground. What? You don't have that? Oh. I guess it's just me, then. Still, it's a really cool version of the song. 

The ball's in your court now, Mobil on the Run. I've got the ideas, now you just have to pony up the cash for the rights. We'll start the bidding for my brilliant advisory services at $1 million, shall we? You have 24 hours to respond. After that, I'm selling my ideas to QuikTrip. 

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