If only it were this easy, MU police would have their man.
Police at the University of Missouri - Columbia are on the lookout for what could be a serial masturbator.
According to the police, a man was spied enjoying himself on campus twice over the weekend. The first incident occurred March 18 at 2:44 a.m. when the suspect -- described as a "black male, college aged, with a slender build, wearing a gray T-shirt and eyeglasses" -- was seen stroking it outside the student rec center.
Two days later, a man with a similar description was seen fondling himself near the intersection of Hitt and Paquin streets while inside a bright red sedan with a spoiler on the back.
Captain Brian Weimer of the MU police department tells Daily RFT this morning that his office can release no other descriptions of the suspect, including any account of the man's point of pleasure.
That's right, folks, we can provide no police sketch of the man's "tally-whacker" à la that classic '80s flick about pent-up sexual frustration.
"We've been watching the movie Porky's and thought about putting together a police composite," jokes Weimer. "But then that's probably not such a good idea."
Support Local Journalism. Join the Riverfront Times Press Club
Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.
Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.