ESPN Makes Me Want to Smoke Crack


Amy Winehouse, formerly a professor of physics at Cambridge, is seen here after an hour of ESPN's baseball coverage.
  • Amy Winehouse, formerly a professor of physics at Cambridge, is seen here after an hour of ESPN's baseball coverage.
Just when I thought ESPN couldn't possibly get their baseball any more wrong than they already have, they surprise me and go beyond all previous levels of craptitude just to prove me wrong. 

See, now not only do we have to listen to Joe Morgan on their "Sunday Night Baseball" broadcasts, and listen to John Kruk spew complete and utter nonsense (occasionally in English, but by no means always), on the pregame show, ESPN has now managed to add perhaps the single most obnoxious personality in all of baseball. They've brought in Curt F. Schilling.

That's right, Curt Schilling. Bible-thumping Curt Schilling. The man who actually gives bloggers a bad name. (Okay, fine. Worse name.) Bloody-sock-faking Curt Schilling. (Sorry, but that stain didn't grow a bit throughout that game.) Right-wing wingnut Curt Schilling. Suffice to say, it would literally be impossible for ESPN to have brought in anyone I would find more personally abhorrent. 

Actually, scratch that. If ESPN decided to dig up the respective leaders of the Axis Power nations and stick fenceposts up their asses to turn them into giant finger puppets to do "Baseball Tonight", I would probably be somewhat more pissed. Somewhat.

Last night's pregame lead-in to the annual Boston/Yankee Fellatiofest was perhaps the perfect storm of awfulness. You had the two most obnoxious teams in baseball playing in the most obnoxiously overhyped market in baseball, and the show featured Buster Olney (Remember him? Used to be a real journalist before he started just sort of making shit up?), as the most tolerable guest. I guess Tim Kurkijan is okay too, knows his stuff at least, but that man's voice makes my balls shoot right up inside my body every time. It's like that scene from "Jaws" with the fingernails on the blackboard.

Other than Olney and Kurkijan, the rest of the 'team' assembled consisted of Karl Ravech, John Kruk, Nomar Garciaparra (who seems like a tolerably nice guy, actually; I'll withhold judgement on him right now), and, of course, the aforementioned Curt Schilling. How often does one get to watch a baseball game and say Jonathan Papelbon may have been the single most likable individual associated with it? Hopefully not very often. 

I'll tell you how bad it was, but only if you promise to never, ever, ever, ever repeat this to anyone. Deal? Okay. It was bad enough I actually found myself wishing for Dan and Al to break in. There. I said it. I'm ashamed of myself, but I said it. Now I'm going to go find an extension cord and a milk crate.


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