Atheist Organization Promises to Take Care of Your Pet Post-Rapture


Guess He didn't make it that time. But He'll be here. Eventually. - FLICKR.COM/PHOTOS/MARCN
  • Guess He didn't make it that time. But He'll be here. Eventually.
To Unreal, the Rapture seems like a very selfish thing. Sure, you get saved (Unreal is pretty sure we will not be in that number), but what about the sinners you left behind? What about your pets for God's sake? Those selfless creatures who exist for no other reason but to love you and who will be abandoned as soon as Jesus comes to carry you away just because they happen to be animals? What about them, huh?

Frankly, Unreal is shocked -- shocked! -- that PETA has not taken up this cause. The Rapture is going to leave a lot of homeless pets. Fortunately, we just heard about an organization called Eternal Earth-Bound Pets USA.

Their purpose is simple:

For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.

All participants of EE-BP (as the organization calls itself) are committed atheists and animal-lovers, which guarantees they will not be swept up by the Rapture but that they will be willing to take care of your pet.

Now Unreal has to stop and kick ourself. We're pretty secure in our non-salvation. We like animals okay. (Besides, if we mistreat them -- not that we would ever do such a thing -- who's gonna know?) WHY THE HELL DIDN'T WE THINK OF THIS?

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Riverfront Times Club for as little as $5 a month.