Turn on the news any night of the week, and you'll hear about all of the awful things going on in the world. Ethnic cleansing, plane crashes, economic collapse, all of it beamed straight into your home in dynamic TragiVision.
But all of that pales in comparison to the outrage taking place right now in the world of professional women's tennis, and it doesn't seem that anyone cares. Well, I care, and I'm here to open your eyes to this shocking crime against all that is good and pure in this world.
First, can I just say how appalled I am by this whole breast reduction surgery thing in the first place. To think that the international community would allow this barbaric practice to continue in this day and age is shocking, to say the least. Where is the outrage? Where are the marches, the protests, the dirty University students with poorly made signs?
Second, breasts can't possibly hurt your tennis game. It just doesn't work that way. No, don't give me arguments about physics, or weight, or try to tell me about back problems. Breasts are good for tennis players, and that's all there is to it. End of story.
Thankfully, there is one woman who is speaking out against Ms. Halep ruining her life. Alena Schurkova, a 42 year old professional volleyball player, is pleading for some sanity. (And thank God the Sun is willing to cover the stories that really matter.) Ms. Schurkova herself has some experience dealing with enormous breasts and sports, as her own bust checks in at a robust 32E. She's worried that if Halep goes through with the surgery, the message will be sent out to young girls that if you have big boobs, you'll never make it in the world of professional sports.
To Ms. Schurkova I say this: Bless you. You are a saint.
To the world at large I say this: why, in an age when we can put 30,000 songs on an electronic device the size of a credit card, can we not build a proper sports bra for this woman? And what kind of a future are we going to leave to our children if we allow this travesty to take place? Scientists, engineers, architects, all of you, get to work on this. We need support, we need comfort, and we need a flattering underwire design that will work for evening wear while allowing this woman to play world-class tennis. And we need it now.
To Ms. Halep I say this: for the love of God, just say no. We can beat this together. Modern technology will come through for you. Just please, don't go through with it. Think of how much Busted Coverage would suffer if this sort of thing became commonplace!
And if we can't find a solution, there are plenty of other avenues for you in the world. After all, there is such a thing as Lingerie Football. Look, I know your dream is to play tennis, but there are more important things in life.
You've been given a wonderful gift. Please don't squander it on something as frivolous as a lifelong dream.
Sometimes we have to make sacrifices in life. After all, I had to give up my dream of becoming a world-class sprinter... Ladies.