10:45: Pastor Rick Warren is delivering his pre-inauguration prayer. Dude looks like the guy in those Jesus commercials. You know the Steve Jobs of preachers?
10:47: Warren still praying...
10:49: Hey Warren: You ever hear those "God is good, God is great" prayers!?" Let's end this already. It's freezing!
10:50: What's with Warren's pronunciation of Obama daughters Malia and Sasha? Is he practicing his Spanish?
10:51: Amen. Amen!!
10:53: Aretha Franklin is approaching the podium to sing "My Country 'Tis of Thee." Good god, what does she have on her head? Is that a bow? She looks like an overstuffed Christmas gift.
10:55: Supreme Court Associate Justice John Paul Stevens is swearing in Vice President Joseph Biden. Where is Biden's cap? Did we mention it's freezing out here?
10:56: Stevens asks Biden if he has "no mental reservations or purposes of evasion" in taking the oath. What would happen if Biden would reply, "Uh, actually...."
11:00: Itzhak Perlman, Yo-Yo Ma and others about to perform an original score, "Air and Simple Gifts."
11:01: Biden sitting with a frown on his face. Does the song not strike a chord with the veep? Obama looks comfortable in his leather upholstered chair. Tapping his toe.
11:03: Song still playing even though Obama officially became president three minutes ago.
11:05: Finally Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts approaches the podium to swear in the president. Obama joins him.
11:05: WTF? Did they not rehearse this? They've had two false starts. Obama stumbling on the phrase "solemnly swear." Not good.
11:06: It looks like...it could be...it is. Ladies and gentleman, we've got ourselves a 44th president of these here United States. Crowd goes wild!
11:07: Obama begins his speech..."My fellow citizens. I stand here today, humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed in me, and mindful of the sacrifices of our ancestors."
11:08: Whoa! Where is he going here? He had us with "I stand here today..." now he's talking about home foreclosures, failed schools, environmental pollution. Who the hell invited the party pooper?
11:09: What's this? Now he's talking about responsibility and working hard. Making sacrifices? Hey, we didn't blow off work today to get a lecture! Change the subject quick. Talk about pie again. We liked when you talked about pie. Mmmm, pie.
11:16: Okay, he's getting back on course. Says something about picking ourselves up and dusting ourselves off. Together we'll remake America. Reminds us of Rocky Balboa in Rocky IV.
11:18: Lord almighty! Just caught a glimpse of George H.W. Bush wearing a bear-skin cap. And we thought Aretha Franklin's headware was questionable! Yo, H.W., Stalin called. He wants his hat back!
11:22 Obama still talking. Let's hope he doesn't catch pnuemonia like President William Henry Harrison.
11:25: Speech ends at eighteen-minutes-ten-seconds. George W. Bush first to congratulate Obama. Whispers something in his hear. Looks like he's saying, "Good luck, sucka!"
11:27: Poet Elizabeth Alexander reads a poem. "Roses are red, violets are blue. I love Obama and so do you."
11:30: Civil rights leader Joseph Lowery reads a benediction. Ends by claiming that America is now a place where -- and we're not making this up -- "blacks aren't in the back, the yella can be mella, the red man can stick around man, and whites will do what's right."
God bless America!