Cubs fans, we feel your pain. No, really, we do. We feel it as extreme joy, but that is a feeling -- one we’ve had a full 100 years of enjoying. You little losers are the original gift that keeps on giving, aren’t ya?
To show our gratitude for the Cubs once again proving that they are the clown princes of baseball, we created this little memory book for you to enjoy all winter long. All. Winter. Long. That should be the name of your commemorative video for this season. When your big-budget, 1-for-14 outfielder Alfonso Soriano tells the press, "We’re a very good team for 162 games, but we don’t got nothing after that," you know it's going to be a long off-season. $137 million didn't get you much in the way of timely hitting from Soriano, but it sure did get you quite the philosopher, didn’t it?
Anyway, here’s a look back at the highlights of a Cubs season in Youtube.com format.
This represents opening day through the end of spring. It’s a fat dude dancin' and singin' and wearin' a tiny hat. It's how you Cubs fans start every season, wildly predicting all sorts of wins and triumphs because 100 years was long enough to suffer. Ironically, this dude's hangover is probably gonna last 100 years as well. Bonus points for serenading the statue of Harry Caray. More bonus points for use of Billy Squier's "The Stroke," faintly audible in the background.
Them classy Chicago ladies represent those heady days of summer when you were ripping off wins and everybody was talking about "It's Gonna Happen." Sure, you tell yourself that when you see broads like this shaking their ta-ta's at the bar, but deep inside -- deep inside where the goats and the black cats share a four-story walk-up with Ernie Broglio and Steve Bartman -- you hear those nagging voices tell you knowingly, "It Ain't Gonna Happen." And even if it does, she's gonna puke deep-dish pizza all over you and send you home.
The Play Offs. This is allegedly from the bathrooms at Wrigley, but the low resolution and the lack of a fat guy shaking his jugs makes it difficult to confirm. It's a guy diving head-first through the piss troughs. 1-for-14 meets 0-for-100 in a golden shower or micturated Old Style and tears.
Special interpretive dance version of the 2008 Cubs season choreographed and performed by native son and Cubbies fan Jim Belushi. The confidence, the climb to the top of the NL Central heap, the celebrations, the collapse -- all in 46 seconds of soul-stirring dance. It's the best thing he's done in years.