The Ashcroft Rap

by

comment

Okay, so John Ashcroft's recent autobiography, Never Again: Securing America and Restoring Justice, tanked. Less than two months out, the book's dropped to #10,121 on Amazon's sales chart, and no matter how hard President George W. Bush's ex-attorney general prays, Never doesn't show any sign of a Christmas bump.

Which isn't surprising. The book's a snoozer, filled with the kind of humorless tedium becoming a man who doesn't dance.

But it didn't have to be so. The table of contents promises a lot, with punchy, rhythmic chapter headings that suggest the verbiage of a decent rap song.

Herewith, using the exact titles of all the chapters in Never Again (though a few are flip-flopped to create better flow), is John "They Don't Dance No Mo'" Ashcroft's first rap.

"Throwing Heat" By John "MC Patriot Act" Ashcroft

(chorus): Crash in the night, Defeated by a dead man, A marked man, Throwing heat.

Trouble at the FBI, A new culture Tearing down the wall. Intelligence-based immigration -- Transitional terror -- The millennium plot, The botched prosecution of Timothy McVeigh.

(repeat chorus)

Judgment in Manhattan, Terror strikes, New priorities. Terrorists among us, Phantoms of lost liberty Uncovering the truth -- Never again.

(repeat chorus)

-Unreal

Tags

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Riverfront Times Club for as little as $5 a month.