As the world gets more and more apocalyptic by the day, St. Louis easy-listening station KEZK has decided that what would really
help us all in this trying time would be to switch back to wall-to-wall Christmas songs in order to force us all to listen to "Jingle Bells" in March.
"On March 20th, at 5 PM, KEZK will be making the switch to 'Christmas in March' in order to lift spirits as the coronavirus quarantine continues," the station writes in a statement
. "KEZK, St. Louis' number one Christmas station, is bringing all of the Christmas classics and encouraging everyone to put their lights back up so that families can drive around and enjoy them together while still practicing social distancing."
This is downright sadistic. If there ever really was a so-called "War on Christmas" (there wasn't) surely one of the only real justifications for it would be to stop any of us from having to hear "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time" ever again.
For fuck's sake, I already won the so-called "Little Drummer Boy Challenge" once this year — a concerted effort by large swaths of the population to carefully avoid hearing what is truly one of the worst songs ever written
— and I had to resort to getting hit by a car, hospitalized and stuck in my home with a broken hip for months in order to pull it off. Suddenly I have to be on high alert against The Boy once more? And in the middle of a goddamn pandemic?! Horse shit!
Imagine it: You're in line at the grocery store, your cart handles wet with sanitizer as you stare at the different varieties of coffee filters and try to decide which would be best for wiping your ass since the store is out of toilet paper. Suddenly, boom, out of nowhere, the store's speakers begin piping in sleigh bells and whip cracks and shit, and lyrics about a kid so unlikable that he couldn't even get the Wise Men to just write his name on the card too and so dumb that he instead gifted a fucking newborn baby with a fucking drum solo in its face.
"Baby It's Cold Outside" takes on an even more sinister tone in the face of a pandemic. With "shelter in place" orders and lockdowns and curfews being enacted in city after city, state after state, nation after nation, that poor woman in the song would be arrested in the streets if she even tried to go home and get away from that date-rapey creeper who keeps pushing drinks on her
"Over the river and through the woods, to grandmother's house we go!" Because grandmother is in a higher-risk category due to her advanced age, and we think it's prudent to bring her supplies and say hello to her through a closed sliding-glass door.
No matter how many times the man in the radio says it, this is most certainly not
the most wonderful time of the year — this is a rolling nightmare, and the brain-shaking dissonance between hearing those words sung so cheerily while living in the world as it currently stands isn't fun or whimsical, it is downright dystopian.
Now, we'll concede that putting up Christmas lights is kind of a fun idea. One of the only things the population has left to do for entertainment right now is take drugs and wander aimlessly through the streets, and some blinking lights and colorful displays always enhance that experience. Here at the RFT
, we're all for that.
But the Christmas music? Completely cruel and unacceptable, and whether you realize it or not, KEZK, you certainly just made Santa's naughty list.
Enjoy the coal.
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