by Drew Ailes
Every red-blooded American with the day off will agree: The 4th of July is one of our nation's finest holidays. While the historic significance is a no-brainer for our country, more importantly, it's a day of excess and celebration as we're expected to dutifully cram grilled meat and cheap beer into our already-bloated bodies. Then we set off explosives.
But what about those of us loser artists who live free and die on a daily basis -- staying up late, getting trashed, watching bands play local dumps and firing bottle rockets at our friends even during the dead of January? How do you celebrate a holiday where the encouraged activities are already incorporated into your regular routine of mayhem? We've got you covered, you mutant. Here's six ways for a degenerate like you to celebrate the 4th of July.
6. Shoot Off More Fireworks
Even though the possibility of turning your hand into a busted-up flesh piñata is a well-established and serious danger, we must come to terms with the sizzling hot fact: blowing things up is awesome. And blowing things up that turn different colors is even better. So even though you let some M80s off in some dork's kitchen during some lame '80s party last weekend, take advantage of the booming blasts at your neighbor's house and light off some dangerous crap of your own. It's the freak way to relax as for once, what you're doing is okay.
5. Crash a 4th of July Party Dressed As Gallagher
Most 4th of July parties are boring. Eat some potato salad, gnaw on some ribs, maybe get stung by a wasp. The party I've selected to go to is titled "The Griller in Me is the Griller in You" -- even with that brilliant name, I'm anticipating a bunch of people nodding their heads in agreement and smiling awkwardly before ducking out to get to bed by 10PM. But it doesn't have to be that way. You know there's going to be a watermelon there, so put on a long hair/bald cap, strap on your rainbow suspenders, and grab your Sledge-O-Matic to pay tribute to deranged fruit-smashing comedian, Gallagher. And if you don't want to do it for him, do it for Metallagher -- the only Metallica cover band fronted by a Gallagher impersonator.
4. Do Nothing
Celebrate your status as a worthless freeloader that contributes little aside from helping to decay the moral fabric of society. For the 4th of July, just sit on a couch and rot. Maybe eat some chips. Who cares. Just do nothing.
3. Show Your True Freedom, Get Arrested In Public
Hell yeah, America -- land of the free and the home of the brave! Love it or leave it! Don't tread on me! Freedom ain't free! United we stand, divided we fall! These colors don't run! Yes we can! Wake up, sheeple! Git R Dun! The greatest and most free nation on the planet - just don't drink a beer while walking down the street or while quietly sitting on a park bench. That's only for those high-tax paying slaves in Europe. This Independence Day, get pissed off, get a beer, and get arrested in public while screaming about your freedom. The cost of the ticket is worth the irony.
2. Leave to Canada
If you're truly flying the freak flag on a regular basis, you're probably not too pleased with this country anyway. This aggression will not stand, man. There's no better time to plan a trip to the land of Tim Hortons and Five Alive vending machines. As an added bonus, enjoy the scoffs of disgust emitted by your conservative family members and co-workers when they ask you what you did for the holiday.
1. Sit With a Dog and Curse the World
There is no worse time on the planet for a dog than the 4th of July. If the swarming crowds of screaming drunks don't bother your pooch, then the sound of mysterious exploding bullshit every ten seconds certainly will. Remember -- although dogs are cool, they're not that smart and they don't speak human language. As far as they can figure, World War III has erupted and it's just them and your dumbass left to roam the wastelands in search of irradiated meat. There's that saying: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em - but whoever made that quote up obviously didn't have a nice dog to hang out with alone. On the 4th of July, join man's best friend in the perplexed loathing of the wanton debauchery and screeching noises of the intoxicated masses.
Follow Drew Ailes on Twitter @CountBakula.
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